Where to Now…
I look into the sky and think for a moment about where my own path is headed. Pondering daily about things that I cannot control yet feel as though there was something that could have been done.
I love my cats, to others I say: “Oh, the cats? If they are happy then so am I. Just put that I love them more than I love myself…” To others they may just be cats but they are seen as extensions of myself, past the crazy cat lady image meow. They are a means of comfort, non judgemental, innocent and soft and will return the love to the animals and meeting their basic needs. The cats have a love hate relationship towards each other, which means sometimes some will swat at another one moment and be rubbing up to one another the next moment. It is interesting, actually but the dynamic lends more into a familial network of these cats and this may also determine the hiarchy of the cats.
I have not seen Fluffybum in a week, she’s an altered female who is not usually gone this long. It is tough, I saved her from hypothermia and dropped the cash to get her altered so that we would not have another population boom. Fluffy bum come home, we miss you and want you back!
Kevin and my mother got into a bike accident yesterday. Before I get into it you may be asking who this Kevin is, well an interesting animal to say the least. Well, we used to get along years ago but as time progressed, he got nasty. He drinks a lot, and I mean to the point that he would make heavyweights at the bar blush. I get it, alcoholism is not exactly the best way to go but it seems that most nights of the week he will play his music to a level that makes the whole house vibrate, we live on an acreage and there is plenty of space and tree cover but I am still curious if our neighbors really just hate us. I cannot really do much anyways, though I really hope he moves out soon so that maybe just maybe get my life back. The man was abusive in multiple ways, so seeing that he took the brunt of it just kinda did not really feel like that bad of news he cracked a rib and an arm, the arms and face are roadrashedanf my mother only had mild injuries and possibly a fractured rib but she did not go to get it checked. Not that they really do anything for fractured costae but it would be curious to know the risk of puncturing a lung if coughed or move too swift. The Shadow they rode blew the front tire, but from there, takes out a front light a mirror, bends the gearshaft, and damage to body paint and windshield. The only warning was it felt a bit unstable/wobbly to which they slowed and moved to the shoulder of the highway and slid a few meters until they stopped in the grass. They think that if it was not for slowing down and moving over, they would not have lived to tell the tale.
I think about my own death, much more than I would like to admit. Why do you think that I feel this? Well it is quite obvious… I suffered many years from pain that nobody else could see, it was invisible beside from the effects that it has on me. I continue to live my days knowing I had but was not diagnosed with fibromyalgia until about 2014, when I was already living with years of myofacial pain. I do not put myself on a pedestal but sometimes it feels like when I raise my hand some see it as obnoxious, while others do not take notice. I stopped reaching out for help, so I say that I can simply take myself out within a moment and end it permanently, and I have attempted… Not an external force could stop it, but something within myself yet still a foreign entity. I never asked to be here, but I can control that and cease it at a moments’ notice. Though, I always wondered who would suddenly start caring once the deed was done. Though, as far as the other force goes… There seems to be something else going on in my psyche that not even I can completely understand so how can someone from the outside even begin to understand? They say not to worry about things that things that one cannot control, but not always the things that one can control should be especially when you are unsure on what you even have control of in the first place.
But as far as control goes, science has gone a long ways. If science became a barista, it would be Café Molnar. You can what can be achieved by visiting this link!
Wake up and smell the coffee!
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