A tale of disillusionment, realization, personal development while following your heart. I really thought when my X and I met around this time last year that was where my heart was taking me, a nomadic romance trip. I felt so full, so free and connected and secure. It was like I started a drug and became hooked, it started out great but we struck a match as love burnt bright but fizzled out quick as I made the connection that my disillusionment was no phase. I became lost and could not find myself despite the absolute full attention from my partner. He offered everything and I no longer feel I am as a worthy candidate and therefore decided to follow my heart and go home in refusal to support him through his injuries and ones more recent. I am the calm to his chaos and when the calm is not calm there shall be only storms in the forecast.
Sometimes yourself is just where to start when you cannot see past yourself. As the whole picture presents itself in a scenario in which I cannot place myself anymore. How exactly do you get from the point in which you go from being drawn to the person and addicted and intoxicated to feeling poisoned when he invites you over. I strapped myself to answer the question… I even had the alters help me explore parts of myself and it has since became very clear after sending yourself through some mental gymnastics to fit yourself in. Who was I before and contrast to how that has shifted? Did I like who that was? The answer would have some feel shocked though set free realizing a part of yourself changed, not because you had a choice… But in order to prevent whatever it was to drive you to self-destruction. I was beside myself and now making distance because there was a shift and no longer do I feel like I have to compromise who I was.
I reflected on Thanksgiving to find the answers and I pondered where myself was going at this point, and to count my blessings. At some point it did bring peace of mind knowing now I feel I was at the right place at the right time. and it really has gone from a place of great euphoria to great became distress to desperately simply to stop acting like I am present where my heart is absent. I feel as though I do not even know the man as one day the part of me that had that irresistible feeling of intimacy with this man and had thought as my flame… Well going with the flow of my heart and going home that night instead of going over because I closed or have worked in the morning. I am exhausted and I, as well have my own plans and am not always going to be free. So, if you want someone who will go instantly at your command, I refuse to do any further. I am the calm in all of this, so let there be calm.
I spent nearlt the last 5 months all restless about being hollow as if trying to refill a bucket that was full of love but then drained and realized I am trying or I am going to be held accountable for everything but how can I continue to lie in patching it up? I would have to continue to fill a bottomless bucket. Especially if I already have something else going on and continue to support him when I needed the support and could not fully overcome this disillusionment. In this case I have no choice when he tells me to when I have to go pick up my stuff. That I will be going to a place that makes me physically ill and I am going to have to go through a storm at some point for closure. He no longer cares, I gnawed the feeling right out. Desperate approach? Yes, I agree it is and it is not like me and living with myself I felt like someone I was not… His WIFE. Why could I still not ditch the feeling of nausea at the invitation? I have saw him one day he fell in love with this woman and I have drawn into him too as a fun way to live love open for interpretation. I do not interpret this love as love when he asks if it is too late to reciprocate. I said YES and he asked if I knew him and then and there made me wonder. He had an amazing fantasy rolled out but if we are both crippled and cannot perform, how are we supposed to shine?
It is twisted that a best friend is the reason that you have met this man but this man is also the reason I knew that Jessie has taken his life June 5. Supposedly, it was where the disillusioned feeling started up as he did pull me from my other friends, who has also went to school together. I had to ditch my friends for this man and force the other two to go home alone, my mother was also concerned as I felt guilty if I did not ask there was the feeling going around that I was depending on other very close people in my life.
Giving the weight of the circumstances, it does make sense that I acted out in that way. I thought about it and I needed to change; my mood was dimming and I felt an imposter as the weekend at Joes Garage where I went self destructive could no longer happen. … I do not wish to have someone always think that I have malicious intent when discussing the event. Wait up, where is it that I really intended anything and further more I feel as though he professes to have a long fuse only feels like a Planck for each time I know if I’m the calm to his chaos.. I thought about it… Maybe more like the chaos to my life… The part of me that loved him…. Died… He was my lover and a best friend with a nice ribbon but all so much but now a lot of that became misplaced and I cannot bring this gift back to life.
Reality is the consequence that caught up with my actions. This time it was freeing.
Yet, he said he was the one who felt used, but we were both collectively using but in a different way. When I fell in love I had just kept falling, and started doing things that is not like me to do. I was told in the start that he gives his girls a fair shake and to not change but I feel myself changing each day and I am left fairly shaken. He smothered me and I cannot stand that and he cannot stand that I am not present to be in the main points of our stories. I have physiologically changed since then and now I just want to kill the switch.
He’s not fighting my battles anymore, the futility of it stands from that I was either absent or that I was really my own opponent. Actions speak louder and he has given me everything I wanted and more… where chemistry was thought to be made, we really just created instable bonds and I reacted and became a product. Reality is the consequence that has finally caught up with my thoughts, words, actions. A mutual lack of care and consideration after clashing with them for so long. I never really the love was lasting and I did not want to take the relationship each moment of each day in this relationship even around him and I fought myself to. I really wanted to but this love was no longer blind and saying goodbye is the second chance anyone needs when one actually wants to consider what he has offered. I just felt myself become empty trying to fulfill the reality that was carefully crafted and planned out.
I cannot go somewhere where even merely being invited there makes me physically ill. I feel as though I would need therapy as how could I help others when I could not even help myself and love who I was and my role and in parts where I drove myself to self destruction. I was once regardless as the calm in the chaos. I in which can continue now calling him the X I realized at the same time my ex was my disease and I have had to wean myself off of him. Stop using and poisoning myself, it is time to put my eye in reality this is the time to quit self-harming. I am the one person I have to live with for the rest of my life and at times, I feel as though I couldn’t even live with myself and through closure will be the other part of the storm. I can direct myself to sunshine and bask in the realization I have directed myself away from a loose cannon who has reduced me to a liability. I felt I was changing every day and I have lost my shine. I have to wipe myself off again… perhaps it was hiding under this dirty buffed out shell.
Where NEON shines there is no SHADOW!
Tags: #4NeonFun #Me #Relationship #disillusion #love #lost #none #no_returns #X #Hovoratas #art #neon #shine #shadow #depression #self_destruct #mindmatters #out_of_my_mind #illusion #abuse #mutual #used #distance #even #direction #shine #its_time #mind_over_matter #yourself_first #take_action