Tags: #Art, #Life
Actually, no. This is not yet another post about Suicide Squad, yet the movie has already been out a while so unsurprisingly you may find mentions of the infamous Harley Quinn. Though strangely enough, regardless of how crazy others may think she is… I do in fact have an alter that would look at Harley Quinn and laugh and say she is cute. He🏒🏒 Salica is that little devil that even the psychotic psychologist that starred in the film would aspire to become. Though, if you were to contrast the two, Harley Quinn could be seen as Salica in an alternate universe where she is on the other side of the profession.
Harlequin is the best-known of the zanni or comic servant characters from the Italian Commedia dell’arte. I know, 16th century plays can be quite entertaining but sadly, the original Harlequin is not who I was talking about. Regardless, the lore behind the character is quite fascinating in the fact that the origin behind the namesake is unknown. A few good theories behind Harlequin such as the polychromatic appearance matches one of the Harle bird. The Harle bird may give a good indication behind what inspired his appearance. We may have to look to classic French passion plays where Hellequin where the ties towards demonic tendencies become much more apparent. Hellequin alludes to the black-faced emissary of the devil, roaming the countryside with a group of demons chasing the damned souls of the wicked to Hell. Harlequin is a Canadian rock band that formed in Winnipeg, Manitoba, in 1975. I do have a liking for a few of their songs too, but no… That is not what this is about either even though so far I made this post sound like rockstars of my homelands and about fictional characters that only so much as act as a catalyst for a variety of phobias. Let’s just rock on past and say “I Did It For Love!”
Actually, what has humanity so stir crazy is what it represents. Some may even point to the word and simply reduce it down to a derogatory remark toward another. Actually, the main conundrum paints itself quite boldly: Human Nature. Yes, this white elephant is something many may see is quite obvious, so then what? Humans have needs, however some may say certain needs are not really needs instead juxtaposes itself as guilty pleasures at best and condoning abomination at its worst. There exists a double standard, that boys will be boys and many of their actions go seemingly unnoticed so it is frustrating in the least to see that well girls being girls is simply a statement deemed inappropriate in this context. Why is it then in a society in which freedom of expression is concerned, why are we all so concerned with the way the ladies decide to dress themselves when it all boils down to personal choice. Also, if a lady decides to dress herself in a way that causes others to “stumble” why is she the buffoon or fool when it is the males who gaze upon her in such a way instead of seeing her as the person she is? The boys may be raging wh0remones and failed to show respect and consideration towards another, but they are still responsible for their actions. Society has gone a long ways, yet by no means have we reached our destination. We all get it, sex sells but we treat the topic as well as a preschooler is at bedtime still bouncing off the walls from that sugar rush. Yet, why is it that we treat a presumably normal and healthy thing such as our bodies and, reduce them simply down for tools of deceitful actions? If there was a creator which made all of us the way we are, then why would that same creator drop everything — to go back on that creation to command them to be well when they were born sick and are helpless? Regardless of how abhorrent things that occur in this world, here in the flesh, we are all finite beings, and no finite offense will ever warrant an infinite punishment.
You can either be liberated or damned based on your outlook as it is the unfavorable thoughts that shroud out all sense of peace and tranquility. You can experience Hell by experiencing non-confidence in yourself, for example and suffer silently in your seemingly eternal votex while others may be oblivious to the suffering. Perhaps the real Harlequin is the one we all have inside of us, downplaying the risk while overstating the reward. That one devil on your shoulder that you cannot excise, because it is a part of you. Having a clear outlook on what is good as opposed to the harm that it causes is arguably one of those features that defines humanity. It is balance that must be attained; you can never truly appreciate the warmth and light of the sun if you have never felt the rain or experience the cold just as you will never truly understand what is actually good unless you encountered evil.
In a proverbial sense, I have experienced what it was like to be in the bottom of a well as much as depression can make a person fall. I have spent most of my life
strongly disliking hating myself, and waiting for that day when I can finally depart this plane. I have spent over a decade with these thoughts, and they sometimes return but they no longer have the potency they once did. Though now they are better managed as with my fibromyalgia symptoms. As I am a decade since my first real attempt at taking my life, as at that time literally was a bloody mess between girls becoming ladies and parental conflict and eventuality settling for divorce.
Arguably the most lonely of times, before Jennavine telling me about my MPD after my attempt, I was among the loneliest while being the least social at this time. I would lock myself in my room days on end and finding out that it is indeed possible to be so stressed that the stomach turns to knots and putting anything down there just leads to it coming right back up… Can’t eat? Better at least put something in there or at least fake it so they don’t think you have some ED. Oh and experiencing that all throughout your youth. Oh also a few years of having the whole family think you are possessed and wanting to take me to some church and do some exorcism… Didn’t work because in order to be delivered, I would have to excise my family too… Yeah…. I know, if any of you would have experienced half of what I did, then your sanity would surely be gone. Yet, I guess my facination with the paranormal only grew stronger and I continued to freak others out, it was entertaining in the least. One thing to really give someone the creeps: “I have a Ouija board that I am going to use right here.” Well, I have never physically needed one of those anyways. So I suppressed it and almost all of them became so intense that they reframed my perceptions and now creating some erogenous events in which naughty behaviour prevelant. My lonliess dissipated as I dissociate… I am the Ouija board and here are my friends.
Well, look at me this time last year, I was actually seeing a nomad off Hell’s Angels who was all over me simply because I fear no one. Yet I was sick from this too as I made an imposter of myself. Like I said before, I was conflicted and part of the reason I was with a significantly older person (≈14 years) so that I could have some sense back and remove someone from my house in a not-so-pleasent way. I completely left that picture (and about $400 worth of possessions) at their place. I could not care less, maybe just maybe one of his sisters (not biologically, but from the club & who I am still on OK terms with) would allow me to visit in the future when he’s not there to to make things awkward, try to get back with me, gloat on how he found someone else or simply to send a sister out for my hide. Maybe last year, I was more less indifferent and not quite myself anymore, I tried one last chance to do the honours but despite taking a combination of substances at a fairly high dose with known lethal interactions… I did send myself into cardiac arrest… Messed up part is, I don’t even directly remember that attempt at all nor did I recall dosing myself either… It was later on from flashbacks/dreams and eyewitnesses at the time that I knew just how close to being 6 underground was. One last scare for my mother (who was frantic when she found out) though at this point I am a legal adult and despite having that happen to me, I have reached out to a support system that worked for me and the cause of it is largely eliminated.
Things shall only continue if you allow them to… Well, when you were reduced to property under the tirade of your parental units… You do not get much of a choice. Yet, I have developed a really strong relationship with my mother as well as all that chatter in my head, and funny enough for the longest time let’s just say that I would not care if he was to suddenly gee… Pass away. Well, he knows full well that I straight up do not care anymore because at one point, I said to him that if he pulls any more stunts, I will not be attending his funeral. It straightened him up a bit, seeing as I’m not put on this earth to tolerate abuse and be a personal bomb diffuser. I hardly see him anymore, good riddance, as hes always in Saskatchewan, and when he’s in the area, he has a new wife now (which strangely enough I witnessed) the genie coming out of her lamp. This woman seemed to come out of nowhere as someone who worked for my father who left because he was offered a VP position at another company. Maybe those two had affairs while my parents were still together, makes sense and would explain away any animosity between the parties.
Then I relay a lot of my thanks to Jennavine who made much of my life… Well… Life… And now to the faithful day April 12, 2009. That night I had thought I have seen everything and that I was my time… I simply did not wish to be here, and that if I ended things here in mercy to myself. I just did not want the suffering and I could not bear to pass it on to those who actually cared. At this point I believed that most would not notice as the world goes on, some would grieve until their next chapter whereas you would be listening to the summary of my brief existence. I know what time that was may only be a short but it was my eternity. I..I held the firearm and was ready to say goodbye cruel world. The surreal happened and I felt a pull from my insides… If your conscience could implode in on itself as a mere spectator from a third person view. I hear a fury of voices as if there were like 💯 people I my head but one particularly authoritative voice rose above the rest and then silence I my head… It was simply the one instructing many on how to proceed through these delicate times. Another authoritative, yet softer spoken voice arises in my head…”Can you hear me? I have received directions in these precarious times.” as she saves me “Amy, it is simply not your time yet. I am going to put everything in its place and then I am going to lay you in your bed to rest.” I asked her why she did this and also that I am a full blown psycho who should just embrace the title. She calmly went on in her calming voice “I can explain this all later, but right now you need your rest. This will start to make more sense as time goes, I am aware there are many things in fruition in this point of time but right now I am here to ensure your safety.” Still I think comparing this to ASMR is not doing her any justice, to an outsider it may just be offputting hearing someone say they give themselves the tingles right after adrenaline from the events leading immediately prior. Salica is another personality for a longer time and has taken a liking towards Jen. I am my person but so are they, but the differences between us is not as contrasted like they once were as Harlequin’s costumes. It was exhausting and there was nobody who was really told much about it, until years later when I found others who share some of my unique quirks. Actually if Twenty One Pilots released their song “Heathens” then that song would occupy the air waves for most hours of the day, because each lyric resonated with me to such a profound level. Every once in a blue moon, I hear the song on the radio and it becomes among the only things I tune my awareness to, enshrined with staff and great notes. We are still quite different, but now I am not so moody, Sal is less of Harley Quinn’s idol and is starting to resemble someone who can function relatively smoothly in a civilized society.
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