Hey you! Cut that out! Who? Me, shanks but no shanks!
Knife to see you!
I have a good handle on things, why do you ask?
You are acting strange… Plus why you talk like that!?
What are you talking about? I am just being myself and are you making fun of the way I talk?
No, you seem off….
Then tell me how I would seem…
Well you aren’t what I would call normal.
I am normal, everything is normal to me
Well no, no it isn’t…
Normacy is subjective!
You can’t argue that I am sharp enough to make the cut.
Hail, I’m hot stuff over here, play with me, you’re playing with fire,
Better go along or you may find situation dire.
Need to call 9-1-1, Sally’s fire burning past the dancefloor, woah
Tough to keep your cool when you can’t contain it anymore wooooahhoh!
Tell Sally you said hi and she’ll shank you for stabbing by,
Make her cross and stifle a cry,
Swear you’ll wish to die yes, this is goodbye.
Yeah I’m A-OK
No need to ask about my way!
Best to be kind and,
You’ll have piece of mind.
Yes, I am being real, acknowledge the way I feel,
All part of the package deal!
Dare to square
Say, if you want to make things fair
I’ll say that that’s alright,
Cowards don’t bring gun to a knife fight.
I could tell I am in in trouble,
Just kidding make it double!
J knows that I am not doing as I should,
She’ll correct me for my good.
I guess I’m getting sh!t,
‘Cause they just take a hit.
When I thought I was on on a roll,
Dr. has pinned down and she has taken my control…
Now all I can say is wow, my memory has taken me back. In many cases, the bullied becomes the bully. This correlation definitely fits my life. It has not been clear to me why I have not fared well in religious schools, we grew up christian and while my brother went to french immersion, I was always I christian based schools until we moved to our current location and I was able to go to a nearby secular school. Things changed dramatically, like to the point that my mother was shocked that a teacher said that I was a joy to teach. Before Blueberry, I was a terrorist to the class, and terror, I really do mean that people wanted to go all Bob Larson on me because they thought I was possessed. Grade 4 was a turning point, I was going to a new school in a new province, and the old school finally did an anti-bullying campaign towards the end of the previous year, but to me it wasn’t soon enough. I had Larissa and Erika (among others) bully me for years prior even at one point pulled my pom-pom out of touque, when I turn to confront them, they swipe it from my head and start playing hot potato with it and eventually one opened a window and pretend to “miss” by dodging it so it went out the window. Normally, it would not have mattered to this extent, but it was handmade by a favourite great aunt who has since passed away. I was shook, the bus driver didn’t notice or even seem to care, despite being at the second seat (one seat between the bus driver and my seat) I sunk back into the seat, pressed my cheek up against the window and watched the toque fade off a few blocks away tears rolled down my cheek, and froze on its way down the window. However, grade 4 I was constantly in trouble for bullying, I recall doing things that were pretty out of character, including ripping a kindergardener’s fingers off the monkey bars and watching as if slow motion her falling on her back in the rocks. I shown no remorse, even when confronted, remained callous. I had a phych eval towards the end of the year, said she didn’t wish to single anyone out, but later finding a diagnoses for several behavioral disorders and low test scores. I initially had no recollection of that moment, until I later uncovered the document in my personal medical files and started getting flashbacks when reading it. It was so strange, as if glitchy with what I saw… It was as if it was third person and I started getting this metallic taste in my mouth. Later I understood that while it was my memory, it kind of was not, as it was my person but DID it. I never understood that story until much later, they just wanted answers and to figure out what the actual problem was. We were not there long, only a year and then we moved to where I have been since ’06.
Well, less a terror but misunderstood as others may say. To preface, I had been severely affected by Apraxia which to many other specialists said I was not slated to amount to anything, never live on my own, not even go into mainstream school or graduate and let’s forget about getting any post secondary education particularly tech. Basically, I was done, no hope over here because according to their tests, I was unable to articulate the language on the test and because I was non-verbal, no surprise that I couldn’t answer any of the questions. It is as if you were expected to speak and understand Latin when it is not your mother tongue or even a language you could even understand. My thank goodness they got another opinion when they had me seen by Cathy, a speech pathologist. Because Cathy saw me and had an answer within 5 minutes and was the one who saw to it that I had intensive sessions to meet the expected milestones. I went to an ILC program which was ran by a close friend of my mother’s and she basically built the program around my needs, during which had other tests done which were non verbal and I received a very high score therefore, I had a steep learning curve to catch up, but shocking still, I reached a point to where I was reaching milestones much faster and sooner than the average expectations. I grew bored in class, and I mean I caused chaos with every chance I got. I hated homework, so much that the parents considered strapping me to my chair because they couldn’t turn away for a second because I would bolt. Every chance I had, I either left or just did something to hold up the lesson and the classroom had to be arranged that the desk was in the front of class and that my desk be so close to the teacher’s that it was basically an extension. Yes, there were several times that the system wanted to hold me back, but my parents knew full well that would only make situations worse because lessons were underwhelming. I had more difficulty with focusing on the lesson than I had with understanding the lesson itself. The teachers only understood that I was high needs because of the arrangements that must be made and some contested what would happen when student reaches X grade, simply put my mother responded well, seeing that you will not be teaching that grade so it would not be of your concern, but I will keep having this discussion each year until student no longer requires such arrangements.
My mom always wins, because I fight longer and harder than they do. If that didn’t work, the Big Mole will make the offending party cry. First they ignore you, then they fight, later you win. I knew the Big Mole was menacing as he regularly used his tactics on me, but it was made very clear just how effective I was when he can make adults cry. Nobody was spared from his wrath if they were the fools who crossed us. On me, it was a classic textbook example of abuse, he mastered the psychology behind breaking a person and getting them to quickly reform their opinions. It messed me up and I am still I the process of reversing that damage he has done. For a while, it was how I expected interactions to go, yet still conflicted when interact with others because it was the way I expected to both treat and be treated by others. I can pick apart the mechanics he uses and occasionally it gets returned to him. A lot of insecurities get magnified and exploited and I counter by blocking out others and minimizing my insecurities to the outside world. I developed trust issues and went on a quest for knowledge and leverage. In short, I kept myself to myself while I allowed others to open up and explain themselves. I used the knowlege of the mechanisms from my father’s abuse and modified it in a way that I had the reverse effect, instead of it being damaging, it was found to be therapeutic. Much of this abuse stems from panic and grief as one is unable to think clearly during such attacks, false beliefs and self doubt can easily be planted here, and then bargain to maintain the relationship. It is also especially hard to reverse false beliefs during these times as the ability to critically analyze and deconstruct the ideas are lost. You basically have to deescalate the situation while refuting the central point in each case point out the belief and work towards using evidence to dispute the claim and then utilizing the proofs towards building a healthier outlook. A person who resorts to name calling and puts your skills into question without addressing the claim makes for a weak argument that can easily be responded with “You pose a weak argument as you are unable to prove to me that you are accurate in your assessment, I take it that I have won the argument as you are only capable of questioning my authority rather than addressing any inaccuracies in my argument.” On the contrary, you know exactly how to source accurate information with proof. I challenge you to prove that you, in fact can have…