🎶Tunesday – Oh Nay Oh Yay🎶
I can’t handle this laissez faire attitude anymore. It makes me feel like I have even less control of my life. Perhaps because it rings the truth to an undeniable position that it can no longer be ignored. I am entited to my anger, but I have also overlooked my role. It was permitted for much too long that the inaction is killing me. Mental health has tanked because there were never any boundaries. I went along with everyone else because I hate confrontation and I was always taught to respect others. I was also raised in an environment that never actually fostered healthy boundaries and any limits set was met with criticism. There comes a point where there is no ability to give anymore. You feel spent and rubbed raw emotionally. Simply rolling with the punches no longer works out to my benefit. To a doormat, mocked with each step, there is hurt, people walk all over you, they rub it in, it stinks. As if they have smeared their waste all over, while lacking any consideration for the recipient.
It is the stress that got to me. Is this all about having control of the situation? I have to say that stress is an immune killer. My physical health has deteriorated significantly as a result. I was sick for weeks with very little sign of improvement. The silver lining is that I am no longer bound to anything. I can simply take the time for myself and finally take the steps to properly care for myself. I don’t want to go anywhere and it makes no sense to go out. I see it more liberating in having the ability to stay at home and make the call rather than be roped into a million committments. I enjoy the freedom of not making plans, to simply chill and relax. Life is only hectic if it is made that way. So to me, making a bunch of plans where there is simply no need makes absolutely no sense. What if the minimalist vantage point is applied here? I really like the concept of less is more, like you gain appreciation in not being constantly stimulated. Doing nothing not only appeals to me, but is actually preferred, but it seems everyone else has to be doing something. Even talking. I wasn’t even planning on doing much of that. Yes, I am generally talkative but it isn’t really the point, the point is that I am worn out and it is someone else’s turn.
There are certain times and places, I am going to make it very clear which. Each time they do that it drives a wedge. I have more reason for being frustrated and I accept and feel entitled to the frustration that I plan on using it to drive my point across. See if they can get the hint from dramatic social cues. Like, there isn’t much for boundaries in this family. As an introvert in an extroverted family the constant activity is exhausting. They will never get it but it takes me so long to recover. I find Nirvana in solitude and people always thought something had to be wrong because of my preference. Man, being continuously spent and constantly made to think that something must be wrong with you for being this way. Over time, there must be something true about what others say and it must be true that there is something wrong with me. It is like everyone around you is animated and supercharged while you are thoroughly drained.
It is viewed as more than appropriate to cross lines in order to prove a point. I am sick and just wish to be left alone. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is as they bully me into caving into their latest request. How many times do I have to send in my regrets? I just like making them feel bad for what they do. I hold grudges because I don’t forget things and it is just more dirt I have on you. For the best, I have come to terms with allowing minimal contact, though at this point, there is no desire to even do that. Everyone else simply wanted me to go along with it and act good but I’m not subjugating myself to that misery. Nope, I wasn’t even planning on telling him that I was getting married or that I called it off, so what makes you think that I’m going to tell you of my plans to learn a few computer languages? It doesn’t make any sense.
I shouldn’t have to give any reasons for upholding boundaries. He said it was just for one day. I stood my position and declined yet again. I have to give reasons. I am livid. I’m at the end of the rope and being nice isn’t getting through to anyone so I let it show just how emotionally raw I was. Out came an astounding “No”. Two reasons: One, I am sick. Two. I. Don’t. Want. To. His response? “You don’t have to get angry.” I responded without missing a beat: “Yes. I am entitled to my anger. Now I want you to stop asking questions and leave me alone.”
Against all logic and reason, I was eventually bullied into going. I can’t handle the prospect of a return visit and I agreed to a set time. Seeing how that would easily be overstepped, I simply resorted to my classic approach when all other avenues become fruitless: dissociation to my nation! Put on a face and pulled through, but also made a display of how sick I was. They wanted to go out to eat… No. No. & No! I put my foot down on and spoke my truth. “I have absolutely no desire in going out to eat. I have already compromised by coming here, so drop the idea and never mention it again. I am sick and I just want to go home and sleep. Let’s just open this present and get this whole ordeal done with. I was already pestered enough, so please spare me that.” When I heard that we won’t be going out, crisis averted. I compared the moments of relief in my life. For once, someone listened! Given the circumstances, the news couldn’t possibly have possibly made me happier!
The motif was a Blast from the Past. Then it makes me think. In fugue really, eyelid movies in the form of flashbacks. I thought of something… This was never new, I never really liked going out. I only pretended that I did so it would only seem to be a consequence when plans would change. In fact, I used to act out so we wouldn’t go. Then something would be said along the lines: “This is why we never want to take you anywhere.” My impression was always smug with the illusion of guilt “Good, I don’t like going out and the sooner you figure that out, and stop thinking that’s a good idea, the better.” Yes, I was the Drama Queen in many more ways than they thought. I could have just been like I just prefer not going out, let’s do something special here instead. But that was boring, also something that an emotionally mature person would do.
Living in the fast lane, it is what we did, we did a lot of stuff growing up. Host who did everything at an accelerated pace. Including the art of growing up, wheras I was planning on exploiting the childish loophole for a little while longer. This is Life, it isn’t much different than a game. It is taken so seriously, why is that really? Thst looks stressful as would it be to play a charade for an extended period of time. Well the way I saw it, we are all on stage performing an act. People were always moved depending on the production they saw. Sometimes I could choose to make it a little more entertaining than it otherwise would have been. Make no mistake, I would put on quite a show and would really have them going! It made me feel alive, and this must have been what it is like to feel charged because that was what I was, supercharged! It played great comedic relief on someone who is in pain and is worn out much of the time. I had the unbridalled energy that made the energizer bunny look like a Slowpoke! ReRe got the expression now its time to go, it was really entertaining. It is over now, and why don’t you go on and take a bow?
*dissociates* I couldn’t take it anymore, the bright lights, the booming sounds. It is distressing even thinking of it and I could swear I let out a few tears to convey my point. I’m miserable and there is not a goddamn thing that anyone could do to make it better, except for maybe just stop. I really didn’t want to talk much. Let’s get it over with so I don’t have to dread another visit. I was thinking of some extreme measures but moving away and not sharing address is out of reach and restraining orders are heh well… In my position, it is all very tempting, fantasized really. The topic of goals came up. It was already too much. It is beyond painful, so here is to the ultimate solution, Amy has left the chat…
The topic of goals was a very prevalent topic of this discussion. Even the idea of not setting any goals at all, there was just no desire at a point to do anything or even to want to want to do anything. The conversation of yesteryear was also presented this statement: “The very idea of existing and the thought of it and itself alone was more than what I had planned. Exist until I don’t and I was detatched beyond all else. I once struggled with the idea of wanting to exist. I used to feel like I was trying to tread water in the ocean with an anvil shackled to my ankle. Back then I was drowning and I have succumbed to the pressure. I am still in the middle of the ocean with no sign of land, but I have learned to let go, because I am no longer in that situation. There is no anvil attatched to my ankle anymore and instead of treading water, I have learned to lie back and breath. The stress of life was only one of a long list of things that weigh me down. It is easier to lay on your back in this type of situation and allow yourself to float on through life.” looked at him with a resoundingly bold “I no longer struggle.” I used to think of only satisfying the minimum constraints of satisfactory, then so be it. At that point I would be considered a suitable candidate and I am not going to contend otherwise. Self preservation and whether or not the idea is even a goal. Whether or not there’s struggle with the idea. The goal it is to just let go, to not struggle in situations where the act would be a fruitless act. Whether or not you really are struggling and whether or not it actually is conductive to the end goal. Ultimately, the act of struggling is a self limiting act and only leads itself to much more similarities. Familiarity breeds contempt and I understood my attitude towards everything else. I saw the pathologies in wanting things to be out of my control so I can blame the situation and say that was how I was. It would absolve me of responsibility as the situation presents itself that way. Through that perspective came one of the power that comes with the act of assuming responsibility.
How exhausting it is to struggle and to want things? I can answer that with an excruciating sense of exhaustion. It drains the essence of your very being. There are things we want and are unable to experience the pleasure of an alternative scenario in which the results were in your favor. Who is to say that you can’t be spared of such experiences? Especially if it is seen as humbling to let yourself loose of such desire. It is very grounding to allow yourself to compromise personal with ulterior motive as needed. There’s a number of things that pique my interest and consequently would make me uniquely valuable in the industry. I can set out and create my own thing. I don’t have to go chase ideals when the ideal should be is to create such a place where that is possible and perhaps the goal now is to to start moving towards making smaller goals if that larger goal is really a goal that you wish to achieve.
Since the host wasn’t present, and all for the best. It is a goal now to spare her as much misery as possible, so in our different perspectives, we entertained the idea. We made it chilling, we dissociated emotion from it and explained as if even having that may in itself be an abstraction. Perhaps as a way to invite intensive thought and maybe allude to some chilling perspective of the past. Then allow that intense emotive shock one feels at just that right moment. Oh I made the Moles think, I likely blew their minds with the multiple perspectives and how it is now perhaps possible to experience them all simultaniously. Talk about a blast!
The allegory of horses was made in light of the recent series of adversity. That one is to get back up on their horse. I alluded to the idea that I was never in fact kicked off the horse, but rather have set out on a new course. The concept that one has to keep moving regardless on the destination. I am still moving and working towards a self-propelling system. Perhaps as a Pillar that should be built towards and I am presenting to you an idea as a step in a series of many. There are bound to be hurdles you must train to overcome. Whether it was all worth it, is entirely dependant on your perception as well as the type of setting you choose to be part of. Would it be the same if done again in similar conditions? Would there really the sense of gratification in the expected sense? Is it simply a mirage of something that you desired but can’t be delivered? How would you react when you go through the motions and the results are nothing as you envisioned them? It all comes from being able to accept the reality that is dealt and having the willingness to play along. If the answer is no, then either change your character or your setting and the storyline will also change.
Having an attitude that is conductive to progress symbolize the fruitlessness in battling yourself through your setbacks as elements are beyond your control. It all lies on values, and I no longer have to face the idea of losing sleep where there is no such loss to be seen on the reciprocal. I simply was brought on to the team for another reason, and to fulfill the needs of the residents. I found meaning in providing the best quality in their care and that their happiness was a priority. I took away all excuses for them to complain, by giving them the utmost best while asking for feedback. I took pride in the stellar reviews, in light of having negative reviews from these residents in my absence. I knew I was making a difference, and I saw that I was making a positive impression on these residents and their families.
It was all that mattered, I did my job as described and noted that less than half of my team was compliant. It didn’t matter what they did, they did it for a long time, set in it,there are things to learn but ultimately only I had control over what I did. I was not in control over anyone else, and I’m not responsible for their satisfaction. The only role I did for them is to carry my weight, and seeing how my way can be seen as threatening to others due to personal approach. I never backed down from doing what I saw was right, and I saw that I was going to be let go and I was not going to fight that. That was simply how they chose to handle the situation, it doesn’t mean that they were right, it just means I am free from an otherwise psychologically unsafe workplace. I am a double edged sword fulfilling the duties of a butter knife. While I appreciate the perks that I was afforded and the opportunity with working in such a facility, I don’t really need them for my advancement. You don’t need to worry about me, and I am okay with that. It is all for the best anyways and I appreciate the perspective in knowing that I play no fault here. I can rest easy knowing From giving up a contract over principles, dropping class to losing an invaluable step in career advancement. To me the focus was different, I divorced personal emotives from my professional approach. The only course of conduct. It was never really viewed as a setback, and I have never fell off my horse. I have simply taken the opportunity and have set out on a new course. I still have my values intact, how many can articulate that fact? To others, it already has set out a new opportunity, from rebound claims to new-found confidence in knowing that they never lost the sense of self.