Here I Am Again. 💥 Your Sharpshooter Is Back!
Hit me with your best shot! I am gunna need those endorphins so hit me up. Ok my friends here I say is look, while I write this in my book. Writing gives me euphoria, and is a lot better to do than a lot of others things that I could be doing. Yes, I know just because I know things could be worse, doesn’t mean they have to be that way. By that logic, that would mean everyone gotta settle for complacency! Is a line of best fit with the lowest common demominator really such a good idea? Strap on because this is going to be a bumpy ride!
It almost feels comedic, like I am putting on an act and often I find myself having to convince myself of the role I’m playing. Then the idea that I can be somewhere else more accepting right now. Alright, guess if it just doesn’t feel natural, laughable even then fake it till you make it. Like others are convinced and even expecting this of me? I am reluctant to settle for bland when it it too easy to spice up a boring situation.
Whatever floats your boat man, but I can only bail so much. Your boat is drowning because it is full of holes. Plus your anchor is bigger than your boat! If there is not at least a dozen things I can put… Maybe then it would hold water. Pretty sure that is not really meant but what else should I say it on here? I’m sinking about it… I’m full of hot air… Hot air is also much less dense. Shall I ruin a perfectly… Nah nothing is perfect, unless declared so! This is the perfect place to say that I’m floating with maximum buoyancy. I vent a little and the heat is on, but now I’m cool like that. It is a start, launch from dock set sails in some creative and abstract journal. Oh buoy. Sometimes it is just best to jump ship.
💥 FlashBack Friday 💥
Thinking back in school oh in the days back when It was always a riot. To take the jokes literally but perhaps too far, but a point was always made. You tried to keep your cool while when you’re on your way out, you hope to think that was well played. Being stationarily challenged at times made me especially crafty. Teacher would say “Use Blood” I’d say “Oh, OK” while grabbing something to draw blood (mnahhhhhh basically asking us to cut ourselves so we can promote self-harm and the spread of even more diseases), or sometimes when pitched just right ask “Whose blood? My own or would you like to volunteer?” That, my friends is how you got a teacher to always supply extras. Be that they were well used and hardly worth keeping, that idea alone works as incentive. Ask yourself again? Do you really want to keep a potentially chewed on pencil with a worn down eraser? Remember your stuff, OK? I generally do, but that off chance I don’t have said thing I would rather not a make a big deal of it. Now, thinking back… The theatrics over things like this might be partly why I fixate and am less able to simply let go because it was like it was conditioned.
This doesn’t seem characteristic of me, but I would be expected to stick to the script. Of course, they say the best behavior the fundamental is applied for not doing worse when there is a better alternative. Society is also pretty impressionable, as if made of slime. A composition that takes the shape based on the hand that is dealt. It is fun and even toyed with for a while. Before you realize it, it attracts and accepts anything in which that hand was in contact with. Gunk ‘n’ whatnot gets stuck up in it. There is a crass trespassing. Impurities become accepted and engrained as just the way it is despite the possibility of having much more favorable circumstances.
Well, I know of it, the feeling of simply being another cog in the system. Sometimes, gears are ground until they can no longer be recognized as such. You are burnt out. Essentially, simultanious burnouts are experienced. When paired with compassion fatigue for example, and the system no longer works properly. The experience can only be described as a draining and hollowing feeling. Like you are trying so hard to care, or at least present as a character that cares. Playing such an unnatural role is exhausting and unnatural, feeling like acting out in certain ways. It seems silly sometimes, like you find it tough to react in such a way because it just doesn’t feel like something that would be logical to do. With a feeling of being completely spent the lines on logic can become blurred and dreading the disempowering reactions of others while noticing the cracks in your character yet remaining completely helpless.
Soon, the sense of being rubbed raw becomes overwhelming. Just need a break from caring, and right now nothing could entice me to care. Perhaps even a break from reality altogether. Least I can do is be neutral for all else is left is jaded. Many describe this as a sickness of feeling or compassion fatigue. The feeling of apathy and exhaustion wash over as the realization that not much else can be done at this point. Simply write yourself out of the drama. Otherwise, it is simply a dead end act if unable make an exit. To dictate the plot is a lame request. While sometimes it is interesting to add a few twists here and there, it seems like they are the star of the show. Guess what they have left is a puppet. They were not kidding when they said they’d pull a few strings. Anything and I’m off!
Each part of the system have properties that can act as identifiers. Naturally, these parts can feel and experience on an individual basis. Each component will each experience the scenario differently and in turn have a unique reaction. The reaction can act as a gauge to identify individual characteristics. Some characterics are deemed favorable by society’s standard and, are most readily accepted. Interpersonal relationships are generally easier to make and are much more fruitful when paired with positive traits. Since the principle applies, those who can appreciate their positive attributes are much more likely to have successful interpersonal relationships than those who are unable or unwilling to appreciate positive character traits.
You know things like compassion, empathy are crucial to society. You can relate to them – as though you were in their shoes, this deep understanding and feeling that you care. You can appreciate and are kindred in the sense.
We simply act the way we do, often cautious as if walking in a minefield, cautious of each move while at the same time expect not get set off by their explosions. Seldom do we see any reason for this double standard, though it still exists. Compels one to act selfless simply on feeling alone; an almost zombifing element. Another example of how we know better but choose worse.
Now I’m randomly thinking about the infinite mineshafts in Minecraft! Ususually mineshafts are rarely found, and there are usually scattered across the map as it is generated. Basically, to enjoy this during your next gaming experience, there are a list of seeds that spawn you in one of these worlds. In such a world, with the help of SeedFinder, X,Y and you, too will find yourself in a chunk with the dirt room on on of many abandoned mineshafts and as mentioned, they are infinitely generated, so they have some interesting overlap patterns. They run diagonally underground in maps, spanning all terrain! Especially cool when multiple streams run parallel but still close enough to overlap and when they run perpendicular and intersect. Again, SeedFinder will help by identifying these chunks and other rare structures.
Now I am stuck in a loop… Great, now the brain is on Infected Mushroom
I Can’t (Or Won’t) Stop. 🛑 Writing Is Like My Crack!
Speaking of Crack. *snickers* Chirocracker!
That deserves 💯and one of these hunnies, hunna, hundred, and hundeed however ya wanna say it. 🗡 Sharp, and I’m sure you can think of a hundred ways to say 💯 and I give you 💯.
We always crack up about a wide variety of topics. This appointment was pretty intensive. Stress from my toes to my head and out my nose. Is that how that goes? Yes, it does because I say so! Have anyone had their diaphragm palpated and having that band of muscle relaxed? It was all that horrid cough that cramped the band’s jam for those that never missed a beat. I said “Don’t be afraid to use pressure. You can’t hurt me, doctor.” He never held back and I keep telling him that he found another myofacial pain point. It’s a minefield, and there are several spots and it feels like my shoulders are slightly dislocated. With each move, there’s the snap, crackle and pop like my body is a bowl of cereal. I know this is weird, but it feels like I have myofacial points laced up inside my joints, constantly pushing on them and messing up with their placement. The knots put a wedge inside my rotator cuffs and with each movement, they announce their presence. Oh and classic neck and ohh well that longetudal fissure.
We talked about the time since the last visit. I was basically sick since my last visit. I was very sick. I couldn’t do anything. Basically a whole month, it felt like forever. I underestimated this one, it was a bad one. He wanted to know the worst of it, so I described my experience. Firstly, the doctor understood that I was stressed to the point of being sick anyways then catching the nasty strain of ‘mixup’ virus which is basically a systemic infection. I had pneumonia felt the fluid and had like 50% breathing capacity (or I swear I did) for like 2 weeks, productive cough was endless often causing me to become winded, experienced dizziness, aura & migraines, incredible sinus pain/pressure and of course the body aches and pains. It was like a thunderstorm with the lightning being pain the thunder being the shakes and the rain being the tears n sweat. The chills are shocking despite having a high fever. The fever was the next concerning thing, it felt like being in a pressure cooker. My head was hot but the rest of me was violently shivering. The line in differentiating between reality became a blur and as I fell down the rabbit hole, I started hallucinating sounds…. They were shuffling and sort’ve white noise sounds then it was like moving and talking then the conversations which sounded like they were from family members became screams and they hurt like sledgehammers. What broke me was that I briefly recall seeing shapes while tripping out in the bathroom while Jennavine doing something and saying “Amy, you are experiencing delusions and hallucinating as a result of the fever. Treating it now with acetaminophen.” Or something like that while having a visual migraine. I ended up blacking out and losing time. It was fair to be concerned about my weight. Fortunately, it seems like it remained relatively stable.
Mauerbauertraurigkit – so, like a lot of other things I can think of, the word of the day is a mouthful. Synonymously, it is the desire to cut relationship ties due to difficult emotions, such as fear. Mnahhhhh!!!! The feeling is compulsive, it gives me this jolt! To some people it can be due to fear, as the dictionary definition describes it. Such perception to have regard to of one’s own safety is fair and oneistic. What is that anyways? Some may describe that of fear… Could be fitting to anyone. Given any context, it would change everything. It just would, theres like these laws in how one must conduct and it might not fit a certain reaction. Or maybe it would, it is subjective as it is your call. Heh well, see or because you know that some relationships are toxic and it is better to ‘burn that bridge’ or maybe there are deeper wounds and that these might explain a much more sinister reason. We like playing word games, and there are always a few played. With each appointment may alude to these mentions though there are always new things to talk about. It is always a highlight, so yeah.. It is no wonder I am this way! I used the word as a way of severing ties with anyone who may be seen as toxic… It wasn’t explicitly said, but it could also be applied personally. In a sense it cuts the relationship between you and yourself and what can often result is a sense of depersonalization and derealization. Or simply not being in touch with who you are. Perhaps you are playing a role and you question on whether or not the character is accurate. A possible reaction is to reject all of these
It is on, full on psychological warfare. Knowing the feeling of hurt and that there are several ways to hurt. Somehow, when a variety came resistant to most of these painful presents a clear advantage. Or if you had such a bloodlust then what you are feeling is a sense of epicaricacy. Derived from the Ancient Greek phrase ‘Joy upon evil”. The word that was presented as seeking such pleasure at the expense of others.
Like other things on in my gutteral mind, with the doctor, the word I am thinking despite being irrelevant to seeking pleasure in pain is another mouthful. Mauerbauertraurigkit or the insatiable urge to sever interpersonal relationships. Could be for any reason, the dictionary says it the feeling is often brought on by fear. In my case, it would be based on logic. I don’t want to give myself the opportunity for them to hurt or to otherwise put such a position of apparent vulnerability. Much of it goes on based on the dynamics. If is worth it, where to settle or if I would act on my urges to never associate with the likes, it would certainly be known.
Or that there was this Deutsch (German) word that takes joy in hearing of or watching others suffer. The word was on the tip of my tongue… I walked out thinking of some words… The term was lost on us… Word is ‘Schadenfreude’ by the way. It was actually the way I was a long time ago… Or at least no longer describing me as that type. Had a lot of work done on me. I told him how I was diagnosed with 3 different personality disorders at the age of 9. They couldn’t decide what was wrong with me as I described how I would be on top of the monkey bars knocking people off ‘Lion King’ style. They would be hanging from their hands, step on them pick at the fingers… Pretend like you got them and let go and watch the fall as if slow motion. Had a rush in doing that, bonus if the kid cried.
💥 Salica’s Saturday 💥
Ok, let’s cut the tangent and cut write to the point (mnahhh pun was intended). Stuck with me for most of this ride and let’s just say that Dr. Jennavine is concerned but she is far from helpless.
Right, so my experience there and yes, all the more reason to jazz and pizzazz! I like the near infinite ways that I could express myself here. So many figures and words of speech and so many ways to symbolize or even personify. A person could read sounds. Boom! May as well put it to use some place, lest the ability wanes away as the subconscious decision comes to synaptic prune those away. Even the term Synaptic Prune just gives me a rush! Like you may as well be crack, you feel the endorphins flood your very form. You feel grandiose as if levitating… You are all-powerful; top of the world, on a roll and cannot be stopped! Neural plasticity is nothing short of captivating. Like, you can change, it just takes a little programming and execution. Those deemed useless are cut off…
You know me for who I am now. I wasn’t the same as I am now. Not even close. Then I mentioned the diagnoses of ASD, APD & BPD. Outside “Help” never once considered the possibility of DID until the guidance counselor in Jr. High pointed out the possibility. It puts me in an interesting position. What I knew was much more limited than was understood. Then, of course the many years of denial. Mainly trying to keep up the act to keep the facts under wraps because I knew I would be under attack!