Beyond exhaustion.. Is it possible? Here is the testimony of an adult who can barely get through it all… To others it is invisible, to me it is the elephant in the room.
Phycologically speaking yes I am burnt out, but what even to do next? How does it feel and how does it affect function? Lack of desire to do anything, and I mean everything, I could have some amazing plans and the bed is starting to get even more attractive. You wished that you could just sleep life away, besides all the best things happen while in slumber, and it is like being dead but without the commitment or grieving. I have had limited appetite, even when I get the munchies the best I could do is seen as a mere snack to most. I have gone days finally realizing I did not eat a solid meal all week when the hunger pangs finally do kick in. Oh and these migraines and sciatic nerve pain (sciatica) from them pinching does not exactly promote positive vibes.
I have not really been able to set goals honestly, either. I was more just in anticipation of my time, because I will not be here forever. I realized, contrary to popular opinion… I am okay with that. I did not exactly consent to life here and the passive threat about parents taking you out because they brought you in here was always an odd statement. I never felt threatened by it, in fact I thought “well, you would go to jail for the rest of your lives, and live with the fact that you killed off your first born and I never really wanted to be, so you would actually be doing me a favor by fixing the mess that they created” I am still missing my cat, FluffyBum… Really, this tears it… she was a sweetheart and we had to spend a lot of money on her spay surgery, but now I feel like a terrible person… I love those cats more than myself…
Thinking about the death threats I have received, not really threats, more challenges than anything. Like i said above I would not have to live through it, so in reality it is not me in reality, sure the others in my head would likely stop such an encounter… They stopped my attempts at just picking up the slack and doing the deed myself, a shotgun, a plot of bush to dig and a shovel… Oh and a note but idk what exactly else I would need… Maybe a bottle of rum and at least go out feeling euphoria.
Weird, well I would not be surprised if the depression kicked in again…. Keeping a positive mindset has been an uphill battle. Distraction hits and neuropathic pain is flaring. Questioning the will to live semi regularly now, but I have not really gone anywhere with distribution… More like a money pit for inventory at this point as there is amounts beyond merely personally using it. Stuff is great and products are returning to the market so stay posted for that.
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