3/6 Friday Friends
WE DID IT!
WE DID IT! | Scaling the Great Wall of Amnesia
Never knew it at first, but then again how could I when it entails me not knowing? I know now that it was the whole point but if the point is now damaging, then what is the point? Answer: It once helped, but became maladaptive because of conflict. Eventually I had to accept and collaborate as a team in order for me to truly heal. To move on, is to involve the painful process of breaking down the amnesic walls I once inadvertently built to protect myself. The series will explore some rather unique and personal challenges.
Towards the journey from the shock and horror to being on the path towards love and acceptance. It was described this but at first, I denied that it ever apply to me and if it does apply to me then it I can choose on whether to accept it or let anyone else in. I never let anyone in on it but that never stopped a few who were persistent into my inner world. I never initially accepted any of these truths at first, because of the stigma. I was always seen as the weird kid and at the time. I was okay with the world not knowing what was going on with me, I never wanted a spotlight placed on me. I wanted to be a wallflower; so that was the role I played. I began to lay low after moving again because being that obnoxious bully never was my part; I knew even as a child that it wasn’t right and that I was hurting others because I was hurt, too.
I had seemed to change myself with each move, with varying levels of intentions. I was known as a happy baby, was in a medically delicate situation but I was happy and I had a few friends in playschool through the first half of grade 1. We moved, but why? I loved my house in town with a big backyard, the sandbox, the giant oak tree and even helping with the paving stones.. I remembered putting on my mittens (to protect my hands) and I was able to lift the smaller stones big ones were too heavy, (think of like lego and the bricks being like 1, 2, 4 & 6’s) and I could do the 1’s and 2’s with ease but 4’s got heavy and I was told to not worry about the 6’s. I was having so much fun at the house, playing video games like Super Nintendo Mario, Qbert & Joust were my fav (don’t ask how a 4 year old played Joust or even Qbert) but that rumpus room was so huge, could practice my gymnastics, and the school was great. I also loved to skate, swim and I was also a very creative kid. (I am talking off the charts level while they were testing me to find out what was going on) I even learned that I had a teacher that knew my family well design her whole classroom around my special needs. I felt special, not in an entitled sense but loved. I knew then if it wasn’t for that setup, I likely would have never learned how to speak proper English or leave the special education program. Is a new job really that important? I guess… The next place we built it was fun and got more involved but it was where the problem started, namely with the one neighbor who violated me but not sure how to feel because I was told that it was bad but also through catholic school to love thy neighbor. I love my other neighbors, the ones who went searching after me literally all night but I have every right to not love that one. If that wasn’t enough being bullied in school incessantly… I lost a grandfather and was largely separated from that side because my father’s arguments with his sister. I eventually just withdrew myself in the first few grades because I didn’t want to stick out because I knew I was different but how could I have it that nobody could see that I’m different and just want to be left alone. Moved again, but this time there was like a month prior of no bully bliss as they finally after years of damage have the administration finally decided to crack down and launch this huge anti-bully campaign. The bullies were made to apologize, I knew some were forced as I know of many instances I had to pretend to feel bad and apologize even though I didn’t even feel sorry or even have to hold myself back from rolling my eyes in boredom. Grade 4 hit… This is where a lot more problems, it was a grade 4/5 split and like split so did my personality… I didn’t even remember like half the time and I found my fingers covered in tar once being told I’m going to jail for vandalizing a playground… I looked later at it and it looked like a magic mushroom… Freaky still because at that age I barely knew what vandalizing was. I learned that day that apparently scooping out hot tar out of roads and smearing the black goo over surfaces counts. Never did it since but it was really weird how I got there because I don’t remember the way there but was told that we took a different route. Other things like this happened. Our house was in town (huge 1/2 acre backyard) and a house roughly the same size as the last but in town and on two acres less land. Our house backed a cemetery, which I’d often visit. I had grown more of an appreciation since losing my grandfather. I knew one day it would be me as well… while having the carelessness to run around and also at this time hurt other children. I was extremely defiant and disruptive. I was such a threat that there were notes in my record that instructed that I’m not to be left alone with other kids, especially younger ones. I was nine by this time and I have seemed to have dropped the defiance by the time we’d move.
Still disturbed, because while other kids are thinking about play dates and sports I was thinking about court because of something that happened to me. Also, my parents were also having a fallout in their marriage. Despite this, I became a model student. Life became easier when teachers advocated for you rather than against. I actually had a couple close friends and a few others that weren’t particularly close, but they were nice. I mostly kept to myself or in small groups. It was also relatively easy to stay out of trouble, because teacher pets are always little angels! I mean, not always but I did get away with things that would normally have consequences. They liked my values and I actually started to care about learning. There is always a joy in learning something new, even if it is a new way to up cycle old concepts. I may never have to literally use a lot of the things, but I can apply the concepts to express myself.
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It also begs the memory of the first attempt at taking one’s own life. It would have taken place early-mid April, nearly 11 years ago yet the day was engrained like it was a recent occurance. It was at the time considered a test – in such a raw and impulsive state, all regard for self has vaporized. It could only be described as possession; an impulse so powerful that it overrode every system, as though a virus. As most would describe themselves as having this fantastical impulse at self-preservation, one that can only be described as absent during the moment that it was only expected to thwart the self-destructive impulse that is seen here. Though the story in short has been mentioned time after time, though the significance remains unchanged.
Quite notably, and this is going to be alluded quite frequently as though it was rooted in fiction, because to many, such reality is seen to be nonsensical and even if taken seriously would warrant any means at intervention. Both cases could actually even be described as accurate because these were positions that were once personally held. Therefore, if mentioned at all the story is referenced from a fictional point of view. If it isn’t worth mentioning to you but it is personally is that it is also mentioned that the recovery process is seen as increasingly more fringe or atypical to even downright obnoxious at times.
To validate this, it may also be interpreted as having multiple storylines run parallel for a person, as a type of a thought experiment tied to Schrödinger and Heisenberg. A situation of multiple iterations as represented by those of the Multiverse theory. To touch upon this further this may also be described as a type of “Rick and Morty” but instead of developing such technology to transform oneself to another dimension, the idea here is that already such means exist, through the construction of one’s own mind.
The idea that there is no physical technology to transport yourself to various different dimensions may seem anticlimactic, because it can be if taken literally. Though, what is often forgotten is the sense of one’s self. What I mean is that if we were to devise a means to go the science fiction route and transport one’s physical self, often neglects all that isn’t physical. What is meant here, is that there is a loose depiction of the idea of self-image and rather how entangled with the physical self it is. Yet, what is not yet understood is how the non physical attributes of a person is attached or rather the intricacies on how certain features or traits were developed. While the intention is not to underme the physical aspect of one’s self but rather to highlight and explore beyond that of the literal self.
With this said, and being fully aware of the implications of interpretation through a variety of perspectives. Even further, to entertain the idea that perhaps stories in this world is seen as fictional and, if for a moment considering the moment of sonder in the idea that that world is as intricate and involved as our own, but from its own perspective and rules that it would also view ours, for instance as nothing more than fictional. There are greater lessons here to be learned, that there is a dimension that can be explored and expressed through this sense of emulating a differing perspective than your own. Through stories one can can be inspired to create based on their own realities. To which there is no real authority on which are candid rather than say different that what others may experience.
With all of this, it is easy to become entangled in your stories. They may be an expression from you, but they do not define who you are, rather it is having definition and having clear intention in each interation that defines you. If this is troubling, however that you find yourself unable to detangle yourself from these and that of the physical world that it would be suggested to seek assistance from those who can recenter your focus and help keep you engaged, present and grounded in the moment. Speaking of which, is central because practicing mindfulness is critical towards trandscending one’s own rose colored version of storylines, fabrications and, so on, as it helps center to the moment; that what may be repressed may be troubling but not experienced at the moment, there was growth and that now, are stronger.
Personally, as adapted through a nearly consistent meditative state, remain clear and focused, can remain in a state of calm that typically would not be seen as advantagious. Meditation is a separate state of mindfullness, and that direct focus is neither extroverted nor introverted by nature, but rather that likened to an internal theromostat. It is, understanding your role and locus of control. By which, self control directs yourself on what can be controlled and as well as adapt by the way you react. These simple rhymes may sound corny though through it is understanding through simple terms is how one is able to diffuse these storms, for instance through promoting ways of consideration of the direction of said storm, impact, and even ways you can react. Some storms you may influence their directions whereas others you simply have no control, though you may choose to bunker down and weather the weather whatever the weather or move to where there is sunshine.
In present time, storytelling is seen as an expressive outlet. Yet again is taken a step further but with ultimate resolve towards living a healthy and functional life. In a time of crisis, overran by the incessent urge at self destruction and imminent threat to self and no known self-preserving instinct and ready to pull the trigger. She needed help, and who else is there to help? They say a voice is powerful, to which has immense merit. A voice can infiltrate the great wall of amnesia and help with connecting the portions that they were once once unaware to the very existence of that state of self. At the center of the storm is calm and collection by which is surrounded by chaos.
Like that of an army infiltrating a barricade, for it was a time of crisis and these walls no longer served as a means of protection.
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Mnahhh my turn! Let’s say it was mind blowing! From incessantly thinking about scenarios and how they’d all play. It all started with the Big Bang – both on a universal level and a personal level! There is so much going on, I ain’t got time to watch them separately. I decided to add more monitors, so I can watch each as though through the lens of the Matrix. What a mighty fine movie that is, the red pill versus blue pill to represent doses of truths and lies. It is like accepting a sort of routine and that involves making that choice towards accepting or rejecting that way of life. Where it must be found within yourself, but there is nothing by means of soul-searching.
If the saying silence is deafening, then I would have left Silent Treatment Amphitheater requiring hearing aids. It may be true, and I just never heard it. Everything dialed down. The mind went silent. I was standing at the door looking back at everything, as a “To Be or Not To Be” as I felt a sinking feeling of my impending doom. I could take the shot and it would all end.
Relate is from having no other trains of thought, which to me is a rarity to having all other trains of thought all in rapid fire. You don’t feel your leg as it starts to fall asleep, but you most certainly can feel it waking up. Except, it wasn’t my leg, but my mind. It had a wakeup call, and everything was firing at once. It felt explosive…
In a sense I did pull the trigger, though it wouldn’t have been the one to end my life; but rather the start of a new one. Though, I questioned its intention as it was completely alien to me. It can be answered later it thought… It had an ulterior motive. From deafening silence to its reciprocal, a sense of peace where it, too contends war with itself. Maybe I do have that mechanism by which is life preserving, but to me it was much more rational than instinct or impulse. It was much more. An instinct is not premeditated, as this was very much cognitively involved. An impulse disregards consequences, I was more aware than ever on the implications. To put it simply: It was hypnotic. I could not describe it at first, but later through experience and (unfortunately testing out this mechanism again multiple times only to black out and end up someplace else) but later could articulate it as a sort of trance, and sometimes you’re lucid and other times you have no idea or control – like I became someone else.
In a sense, I DID (pun totally intended) as my school therapist was describing dissociative identity disorder to me in grade 9. It was a total Dr. House moment, and I responded exactly like Iris did in the episode “Dead & Buried“. It was verbatim, like I’d take from the show, but I never watched that episode. I was able to say it was like looking in a mirror, because this was how I responded to my therapist while she was explaining. Among the questions I asked was “So, where are these personalities that I am supposed to have?” I also asked what there was to do about it? She was nice and kept working with me. We kept it between us, though a few people also picked up on it. The people who have, fortunately are advocates for me, which was a life-clanging experience. I no longer had to hide behind a wall, I was finally understood. Among the shock and denial was a sense of relief. It made perfect sense to me, but I didn’t initially accept the news, so I made it into an allegory. It also made it easy to hide the real meaning behind idioms, and allow others to draw their own conclusions while the reality became dead and buried.
During that time, it was better this way. Everyone keeps secrets, and well here is mine! From my point of view sure, a long kept secret that came to light a few times… I knew it was better to cover it back up for the sanity of others. The family went into hysterics and threatened a bunch of stuff, then I’d scoff and say it was just a roleplay. Family members would eventually relax and back off, while I resume my flight under the radar. Tada! Now as an adult, mental health is becoming more of a hot topic and well it hurts more to suppress it, if not me, then to the cause.
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The first step was awareness, then after dealing with the shock of the news I felt more in control after hearing the news and I am overall less self destructive and carry more intentions behind my actions. Next off was to draw off my support systems so to better care for myself. This step was invaluable especially while I was at my most self-destructive. I still struggle with the disparage of having others care more about your life than you do your own. It is disheartening to say and I really wanted to change that outlook, but that outlook changed how I saw things. I have made considerable progress, but the damage is still deep seeded into my schema. There is only so much a person can do about their mental health concerns; change is painful and slow and is something that person will always have, though it can be reduced to a level where one can be functional and have quality of life.
I later answered my question with the inital help of the therapist. It must be relative to where where I would have been, though parts of my psyche were cordoned off. Presumably for my benefit, my headmates each had their territory and forbidden to overstep. Before they knew of each other, they simply switched, and a gap is formed since there was no communication. It is like switching stations on the radio and the radio not knowing it has different stations and it being unaware that occasionally, the station is changed. Speaking of which, my family never knew the wiser until I came out and told them. I found that most only know one side, and I’m not playing that exhausting game anymore. I found it was fair to come out as an adult and have an adult conversation and that if they were to truly accept me, I ought to give them the whole package. It only feels like the right thing to do, so I am in that delicate process of trying to unpack that side of me to my loved ones. Its bittersweet; stigma and acceptance. A few actually were happy and ask why “I didn’t come out sooner? Now there is more of you to love!”
They were barraging the proverbial wall in order to connect with me. Jennavine identified herself straight away. Salica was later despite having a variation of her that harkened back to Original Trauma. basically after putting everything back exactly in their rightful place. it was and the one who got me safely in bed. It was almost like I was hearing her, but not quite… More like a thought, though they constructed in ways that are not congruent with my thought processes. In fact, she wasn’t afraid to speak up or step in. She calls it intrapersonal communication. Nice term, like polyentendre and if they are not words, I am going to coin them. First off intrapersonal communication is different t It finally made sense how I would also seem to lose time around attempts, even in process… It would come back in dream like state while I’m not in any imminent threat to myself that this happened… I had multiple attempts… But one would play for example, “I really was going to hang myself? Or…” Then I would think “Yes, but I’m not dead…?” Then she would ask about it, breaking it down and she would say something like… “Amy, you are very much alive. My intention is to keep it that way. Please, speak with me for I wish to help you. I never intend to cause any harm to you, however, you may not like that I have reached out for additional support.” She’s right, I was angry because it didn’t work. I guess she would be more entitled to those feelings because I’m doing these things to myself and by extension to her. “You… What? Was that why everyone was like that? Now they’re all watching… How am I supposed to do as I pla-?” She cuts me off. “Most of your plans I have no problem with, it is these self-destructive ones that need to stop. I’m concerned for you, Amy. Shall I get you help?”
I would try to sell her my schick but she never buys it, no matter how I repackaged it. She will tell me how it is, but she’s so nice about it. Sometimes she would take over or do something else for me, but she is never intrusive about it – well only intrusive to my own destruction. She would actually tell me that my The way she would conduct herself is in a very professional, calm and, approachable matter. Her voice is soft yet profound, with a hint of a British accent, but is mixed slightly, she could cause me to totally relax as if in meditation just by listening. The closest thing to compare Jennavine with is a guardian angel, yet I am not even sure that does her justice. It doesn’t, and I can go on and on on yet another tangent about all her amazing qualities. One of which she can be more stubborn than myself, which saved my life… Multiple times and busted down the Great Wall of Amnesia. In time, I promise, but in the meantime…
1/26 Sum Sunday
Here I Am Again. 💥 Your Sharpshooter Is Back!
Hit me with your best shot! I am gunna need those endorphins so hit me up. Ok my friends here I say is look, while I write this in my book. Writing gives me euphoria, and is a lot better to do than a lot of others things that I could be doing. Yes, I know just because I know things could be worse, doesn’t mean they have to be that way. By that logic, that would mean everyone gotta settle for complacency! Is a line of best fit with the lowest common demominator really such a good idea? Strap on because this is going to be a bumpy ride!
It almost feels comedic, like I am putting on an act and often I find myself having to convince myself of the role I’m playing. Then the idea that I can be somewhere else more accepting right now. Alright, guess if it just doesn’t feel natural, laughable even then fake it till you make it. Like others are convinced and even expecting this of me? I am reluctant to settle for bland when it it too easy to spice up a boring situation.
Whatever floats your boat man, but I can only bail so much. Your boat is drowning because it is full of holes. Plus your anchor is bigger than your boat! If there is not at least a dozen things I can put… Maybe then it would hold water. Pretty sure that is not really meant but what else should I say it on here? I’m sinking about it… I’m full of hot air… Hot air is also much less dense. Shall I ruin a perfectly… Nah nothing is perfect, unless declared so! This is the perfect place to say that I’m floating with maximum buoyancy. I vent a little and the heat is on, but now I’m cool like that. It is a start, launch from dock set sails in some creative and abstract journal. Oh buoy. Sometimes it is just best to jump ship.
💥 FlashBack Friday 💥
Thinking back in school oh in the days back when It was always a riot. To take the jokes literally but perhaps too far, but a point was always made. You tried to keep your cool while when you’re on your way out, you hope to think that was well played. Being stationarily challenged at times made me especially crafty. Teacher would say “Use Blood” I’d say “Oh, OK” while grabbing something to draw blood (mnahhhhhh basically asking us to cut ourselves so we can promote self-harm and the spread of even more diseases), or sometimes when pitched just right ask “Whose blood? My own or would you like to volunteer?” That, my friends is how you got a teacher to always supply extras. Be that they were well used and hardly worth keeping, that idea alone works as incentive. Ask yourself again? Do you really want to keep a potentially chewed on pencil with a worn down eraser? Remember your stuff, OK? I generally do, but that off chance I don’t have said thing I would rather not a make a big deal of it. Now, thinking back… The theatrics over things like this might be partly why I fixate and am less able to simply let go because it was like it was conditioned.
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This doesn’t seem characteristic of me, but I would be expected to stick to the script. Of course, they say the best behavior the fundamental is applied for not doing worse when there is a better alternative. Society is also pretty impressionable, as if made of slime. A composition that takes the shape based on the hand that is dealt. It is fun and even toyed with for a while. Before you realize it, it attracts and accepts anything in which that hand was in contact with. Gunk ‘n’ whatnot gets stuck up in it. There is a crass trespassing. Impurities become accepted and engrained as just the way it is despite the possibility of having much more favorable circumstances.
Well, I know of it, the feeling of simply being another cog in the system. Sometimes, gears are ground until they can no longer be recognized as such. You are burnt out. Essentially, simultanious burnouts are experienced. When paired with compassion fatigue for example, and the system no longer works properly. The experience can only be described as a draining and hollowing feeling. Like you are trying so hard to care, or at least present as a character that cares. Playing such an unnatural role is exhausting and unnatural, feeling like acting out in certain ways. It seems silly sometimes, like you find it tough to react in such a way because it just doesn’t feel like something that would be logical to do. With a feeling of being completely spent the lines on logic can become blurred and dreading the disempowering reactions of others while noticing the cracks in your character yet remaining completely helpless.
Soon, the sense of being rubbed raw becomes overwhelming. Just need a break from caring, and right now nothing could entice me to care. Perhaps even a break from reality altogether. Least I can do is be neutral for all else is left is jaded. Many describe this as a sickness of feeling or compassion fatigue. The feeling of apathy and exhaustion wash over as the realization that not much else can be done at this point. Simply write yourself out of the drama. Otherwise, it is simply a dead end act if unable make an exit. To dictate the plot is a lame request. While sometimes it is interesting to add a few twists here and there, it seems like they are the star of the show. Guess what they have left is a puppet. They were not kidding when they said they’d pull a few strings. Anything and I’m off!
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Each part of the system have properties that can act as identifiers. Naturally, these parts can feel and experience on an individual basis. Each component will each experience the scenario differently and in turn have a unique reaction. The reaction can act as a gauge to identify individual characteristics. Some characterics are deemed favorable by society’s standard and, are most readily accepted. Interpersonal relationships are generally easier to make and are much more fruitful when paired with positive traits. Since the principle applies, those who can appreciate their positive attributes are much more likely to have successful interpersonal relationships than those who are unable or unwilling to appreciate positive character traits.
You know things like compassion, empathy are crucial to society. You can relate to them – as though you were in their shoes, this deep understanding and feeling that you care. You can appreciate and are kindred in the sense.
We simply act the way we do, often cautious as if walking in a minefield, cautious of each move while at the same time expect not get set off by their explosions. Seldom do we see any reason for this double standard, though it still exists. Compels one to act selfless simply on feeling alone; an almost zombifing element. Another example of how we know better but choose worse.
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Now I’m randomly thinking about the infinite mineshafts in Minecraft! Ususually mineshafts are rarely found, and there are usually scattered across the map as it is generated. Basically, to enjoy this during your next gaming experience, there are a list of seeds that spawn you in one of these worlds. In such a world, with the help of SeedFinder, X,Y and you, too will find yourself in a chunk with the dirt room on on of many abandoned mineshafts and as mentioned, they are infinitely generated, so they have some interesting overlap patterns. They run diagonally underground in maps, spanning all terrain! Especially cool when multiple streams run parallel but still close enough to overlap and when they run perpendicular and intersect. Again, SeedFinder will help by identifying these chunks and other rare structures.
Now I am stuck in a loop… Great, now the brain is on Infected Mushroom
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I Can’t (Or Won’t) Stop. 🛑 Writing Is Like My Crack!
Speaking of Crack. *snickers* Chirocracker!
That deserves 💯and one of these hunnies, hunna, hundred, and hundeed however ya wanna say it. 🗡 Sharp, and I’m sure you can think of a hundred ways to say 💯 and I give you 💯.
We always crack up about a wide variety of topics. This appointment was pretty intensive. Stress from my toes to my head and out my nose. Is that how that goes? Yes, it does because I say so! Have anyone had their diaphragm palpated and having that band of muscle relaxed? It was all that horrid cough that cramped the band’s jam for those that never missed a beat. I said “Don’t be afraid to use pressure. You can’t hurt me, doctor.” He never held back and I keep telling him that he found another myofacial pain point. It’s a minefield, and there are several spots and it feels like my shoulders are slightly dislocated. With each move, there’s the snap, crackle and pop like my body is a bowl of cereal. I know this is weird, but it feels like I have myofacial points laced up inside my joints, constantly pushing on them and messing up with their placement. The knots put a wedge inside my rotator cuffs and with each movement, they announce their presence. Oh and classic neck and ohh well that longetudal fissure.
We talked about the time since the last visit. I was basically sick since my last visit. I was very sick. I couldn’t do anything. Basically a whole month, it felt like forever. I underestimated this one, it was a bad one. He wanted to know the worst of it, so I described my experience. Firstly, the doctor understood that I was stressed to the point of being sick anyways then catching the nasty strain of ‘mixup’ virus which is basically a systemic infection. I had pneumonia felt the fluid and had like 50% breathing capacity (or I swear I did) for like 2 weeks, productive cough was endless often causing me to become winded, experienced dizziness, aura & migraines, incredible sinus pain/pressure and of course the body aches and pains. It was like a thunderstorm with the lightning being pain the thunder being the shakes and the rain being the tears n sweat. The chills are shocking despite having a high fever. The fever was the next concerning thing, it felt like being in a pressure cooker. My head was hot but the rest of me was violently shivering. The line in differentiating between reality became a blur and as I fell down the rabbit hole, I started hallucinating sounds…. They were shuffling and sort’ve white noise sounds then it was like moving and talking then the conversations which sounded like they were from family members became screams and they hurt like sledgehammers. What broke me was that I briefly recall seeing shapes while tripping out in the bathroom while Jennavine doing something and saying “Amy, you are experiencing delusions and hallucinating as a result of the fever. Treating it now with acetaminophen.” Or something like that while having a visual migraine. I ended up blacking out and losing time. It was fair to be concerned about my weight. Fortunately, it seems like it remained relatively stable.
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Mauerbauertraurigkit – so, like a lot of other things I can think of, the word of the day is a mouthful. Synonymously, it is the desire to cut relationship ties due to difficult emotions, such as fear. Mnahhhhh!!!! The feeling is compulsive, it gives me this jolt! To some people it can be due to fear, as the dictionary definition describes it. Such perception to have regard to of one’s own safety is fair and oneistic. What is that anyways? Some may describe that of fear… Could be fitting to anyone. Given any context, it would change everything. It just would, theres like these laws in how one must conduct and it might not fit a certain reaction. Or maybe it would, it is subjective as it is your call. Heh well, see or because you know that some relationships are toxic and it is better to ‘burn that bridge’ or maybe there are deeper wounds and that these might explain a much more sinister reason. We like playing word games, and there are always a few played. With each appointment may alude to these mentions though there are always new things to talk about. It is always a highlight, so yeah.. It is no wonder I am this way! I used the word as a way of severing ties with anyone who may be seen as toxic… It wasn’t explicitly said, but it could also be applied personally. In a sense it cuts the relationship between you and yourself and what can often result is a sense of depersonalization and derealization. Or simply not being in touch with who you are. Perhaps you are playing a role and you question on whether or not the character is accurate. A possible reaction is to reject all of these
It is on, full on psychological warfare. Knowing the feeling of hurt and that there are several ways to hurt. Somehow, when a variety came resistant to most of these painful presents a clear advantage. Or if you had such a bloodlust then what you are feeling is a sense of epicaricacy. Derived from the Ancient Greek phrase ‘Joy upon evil”. The word that was presented as seeking such pleasure at the expense of others.
Like other things on in my gutteral mind, with the doctor, the word I am thinking despite being irrelevant to seeking pleasure in pain is another mouthful. Mauerbauertraurigkit or the insatiable urge to sever interpersonal relationships. Could be for any reason, the dictionary says it the feeling is often brought on by fear. In my case, it would be based on logic. I don’t want to give myself the opportunity for them to hurt or to otherwise put such a position of apparent vulnerability. Much of it goes on based on the dynamics. If is worth it, where to settle or if I would act on my urges to never associate with the likes, it would certainly be known.
Or that there was this Deutsch (German) word that takes joy in hearing of or watching others suffer. The word was on the tip of my tongue… I walked out thinking of some words… The term was lost on us… Word is ‘Schadenfreude’ by the way. It was actually the way I was a long time ago… Or at least no longer describing me as that type. Had a lot of work done on me. I told him how I was diagnosed with 3 different personality disorders at the age of 9. They couldn’t decide what was wrong with me as I described how I would be on top of the monkey bars knocking people off ‘Lion King’ style. They would be hanging from their hands, step on them pick at the fingers… Pretend like you got them and let go and watch the fall as if slow motion. Had a rush in doing that, bonus if the kid cried.
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💥 Salica’s Saturday 💥
Ok, let’s cut the tangent and cut write to the point (mnahhh pun was intended). Stuck with me for most of this ride and let’s just say that Dr. Jennavine is concerned but she is far from helpless.
Right, so my experience there and yes, all the more reason to jazz and pizzazz! I like the near infinite ways that I could express myself here. So many figures and words of speech and so many ways to symbolize or even personify. A person could read sounds. Boom! May as well put it to use some place, lest the ability wanes away as the subconscious decision comes to synaptic prune those away. Even the term Synaptic Prune just gives me a rush! Like you may as well be crack, you feel the endorphins flood your very form. You feel grandiose as if levitating… You are all-powerful; top of the world, on a roll and cannot be stopped! Neural plasticity is nothing short of captivating. Like, you can change, it just takes a little programming and execution. Those deemed useless are cut off…
You know me for who I am now. I wasn’t the same as I am now. Not even close. Then I mentioned the diagnoses of ASD, APD & BPD. Outside “Help” never once considered the possibility of DID until the guidance counselor in Jr. High pointed out the possibility. It puts me in an interesting position. What I knew was much more limited than was understood. Then, of course the many years of denial. Mainly trying to keep up the act to keep the facts under wraps because I knew I would be under attack!
1/14 Tunesday
🎶Tunesday – Oh Nay Oh Yay🎶
I can’t handle this laissez faire attitude anymore. It makes me feel like I have even less control of my life. Perhaps because it rings the truth to an undeniable position that it can no longer be ignored. I am entited to my anger, but I have also overlooked my role. It was permitted for much too long that the inaction is killing me. Mental health has tanked because there were never any boundaries. I went along with everyone else because I hate confrontation and I was always taught to respect others. I was also raised in an environment that never actually fostered healthy boundaries and any limits set was met with criticism. There comes a point where there is no ability to give anymore. You feel spent and rubbed raw emotionally. Simply rolling with the punches no longer works out to my benefit. To a doormat, mocked with each step, there is hurt, people walk all over you, they rub it in, it stinks. As if they have smeared their waste all over, while lacking any consideration for the recipient.
It is the stress that got to me. Is this all about having control of the situation? I have to say that stress is an immune killer. My physical health has deteriorated significantly as a result. I was sick for weeks with very little sign of improvement. The silver lining is that I am no longer bound to anything. I can simply take the time for myself and finally take the steps to properly care for myself. I don’t want to go anywhere and it makes no sense to go out. I see it more liberating in having the ability to stay at home and make the call rather than be roped into a million committments. I enjoy the freedom of not making plans, to simply chill and relax. Life is only hectic if it is made that way. So to me, making a bunch of plans where there is simply no need makes absolutely no sense. What if the minimalist vantage point is applied here? I really like the concept of less is more, like you gain appreciation in not being constantly stimulated. Doing nothing not only appeals to me, but is actually preferred, but it seems everyone else has to be doing something. Even talking. I wasn’t even planning on doing much of that. Yes, I am generally talkative but it isn’t really the point, the point is that I am worn out and it is someone else’s turn.
There are certain times and places, I am going to make it very clear which. Each time they do that it drives a wedge. I have more reason for being frustrated and I accept and feel entitled to the frustration that I plan on using it to drive my point across. See if they can get the hint from dramatic social cues. Like, there isn’t much for boundaries in this family. As an introvert in an extroverted family the constant activity is exhausting. They will never get it but it takes me so long to recover. I find Nirvana in solitude and people always thought something had to be wrong because of my preference. Man, being continuously spent and constantly made to think that something must be wrong with you for being this way. Over time, there must be something true about what others say and it must be true that there is something wrong with me. It is like everyone around you is animated and supercharged while you are thoroughly drained.
It is viewed as more than appropriate to cross lines in order to prove a point. I am sick and just wish to be left alone. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is as they bully me into caving into their latest request. How many times do I have to send in my regrets? I just like making them feel bad for what they do. I hold grudges because I don’t forget things and it is just more dirt I have on you. For the best, I have come to terms with allowing minimal contact, though at this point, there is no desire to even do that. Everyone else simply wanted me to go along with it and act good but I’m not subjugating myself to that misery. Nope, I wasn’t even planning on telling him that I was getting married or that I called it off, so what makes you think that I’m going to tell you of my plans to learn a few computer languages? It doesn’t make any sense.
I shouldn’t have to give any reasons for upholding boundaries. He said it was just for one day. I stood my position and declined yet again. I have to give reasons. I am livid. I’m at the end of the rope and being nice isn’t getting through to anyone so I let it show just how emotionally raw I was. Out came an astounding “No”. Two reasons: One, I am sick. Two. I. Don’t. Want. To. His response? “You don’t have to get angry.” I responded without missing a beat: “Yes. I am entitled to my anger. Now I want you to stop asking questions and leave me alone.”
Against all logic and reason, I was eventually bullied into going. I can’t handle the prospect of a return visit and I agreed to a set time. Seeing how that would easily be overstepped, I simply resorted to my classic approach when all other avenues become fruitless: dissociation to my nation! Put on a face and pulled through, but also made a display of how sick I was. They wanted to go out to eat… No. No. & No! I put my foot down on and spoke my truth. “I have absolutely no desire in going out to eat. I have already compromised by coming here, so drop the idea and never mention it again. I am sick and I just want to go home and sleep. Let’s just open this present and get this whole ordeal done with. I was already pestered enough, so please spare me that.” When I heard that we won’t be going out, crisis averted. I compared the moments of relief in my life. For once, someone listened! Given the circumstances, the news couldn’t possibly have possibly made me happier!
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The motif was a Blast from the Past. Then it makes me think. In fugue really, eyelid movies in the form of flashbacks. I thought of something… This was never new, I never really liked going out. I only pretended that I did so it would only seem to be a consequence when plans would change. In fact, I used to act out so we wouldn’t go. Then something would be said along the lines: “This is why we never want to take you anywhere.” My impression was always smug with the illusion of guilt “Good, I don’t like going out and the sooner you figure that out, and stop thinking that’s a good idea, the better.” Yes, I was the Drama Queen in many more ways than they thought. I could have just been like I just prefer not going out, let’s do something special here instead. But that was boring, also something that an emotionally mature person would do.
Living in the fast lane, it is what we did, we did a lot of stuff growing up. Host who did everything at an accelerated pace. Including the art of growing up, wheras I was planning on exploiting the childish loophole for a little while longer. This is Life, it isn’t much different than a game. It is taken so seriously, why is that really? Thst looks stressful as would it be to play a charade for an extended period of time. Well the way I saw it, we are all on stage performing an act. People were always moved depending on the production they saw. Sometimes I could choose to make it a little more entertaining than it otherwise would have been. Make no mistake, I would put on quite a show and would really have them going! It made me feel alive, and this must have been what it is like to feel charged because that was what I was, supercharged! It played great comedic relief on someone who is in pain and is worn out much of the time. I had the unbridalled energy that made the energizer bunny look like a Slowpoke! ReRe got the expression now its time to go, it was really entertaining. It is over now, and why don’t you go on and take a bow?
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*dissociates* I couldn’t take it anymore, the bright lights, the booming sounds. It is distressing even thinking of it and I could swear I let out a few tears to convey my point. I’m miserable and there is not a goddamn thing that anyone could do to make it better, except for maybe just stop. I really didn’t want to talk much. Let’s get it over with so I don’t have to dread another visit. I was thinking of some extreme measures but moving away and not sharing address is out of reach and restraining orders are heh well… In my position, it is all very tempting, fantasized really. The topic of goals came up. It was already too much. It is beyond painful, so here is to the ultimate solution, Amy has left the chat…
The topic of goals was a very prevalent topic of this discussion. Even the idea of not setting any goals at all, there was just no desire at a point to do anything or even to want to want to do anything. The conversation of yesteryear was also presented this statement: “The very idea of existing and the thought of it and itself alone was more than what I had planned. Exist until I don’t and I was detatched beyond all else. I once struggled with the idea of wanting to exist. I used to feel like I was trying to tread water in the ocean with an anvil shackled to my ankle. Back then I was drowning and I have succumbed to the pressure. I am still in the middle of the ocean with no sign of land, but I have learned to let go, because I am no longer in that situation. There is no anvil attatched to my ankle anymore and instead of treading water, I have learned to lie back and breath. The stress of life was only one of a long list of things that weigh me down. It is easier to lay on your back in this type of situation and allow yourself to float on through life.” looked at him with a resoundingly bold “I no longer struggle.” I used to think of only satisfying the minimum constraints of satisfactory, then so be it. At that point I would be considered a suitable candidate and I am not going to contend otherwise. Self preservation and whether or not the idea is even a goal. Whether or not there’s struggle with the idea. The goal it is to just let go, to not struggle in situations where the act would be a fruitless act. Whether or not you really are struggling and whether or not it actually is conductive to the end goal. Ultimately, the act of struggling is a self limiting act and only leads itself to much more similarities. Familiarity breeds contempt and I understood my attitude towards everything else. I saw the pathologies in wanting things to be out of my control so I can blame the situation and say that was how I was. It would absolve me of responsibility as the situation presents itself that way. Through that perspective came one of the power that comes with the act of assuming responsibility.
How exhausting it is to struggle and to want things? I can answer that with an excruciating sense of exhaustion. It drains the essence of your very being. There are things we want and are unable to experience the pleasure of an alternative scenario in which the results were in your favor. Who is to say that you can’t be spared of such experiences? Especially if it is seen as humbling to let yourself loose of such desire. It is very grounding to allow yourself to compromise personal with ulterior motive as needed. There’s a number of things that pique my interest and consequently would make me uniquely valuable in the industry. I can set out and create my own thing. I don’t have to go chase ideals when the ideal should be is to create such a place where that is possible and perhaps the goal now is to to start moving towards making smaller goals if that larger goal is really a goal that you wish to achieve.
Since the host wasn’t present, and all for the best. It is a goal now to spare her as much misery as possible, so in our different perspectives, we entertained the idea. We made it chilling, we dissociated emotion from it and explained as if even having that may in itself be an abstraction. Perhaps as a way to invite intensive thought and maybe allude to some chilling perspective of the past. Then allow that intense emotive shock one feels at just that right moment. Oh I made the Moles think, I likely blew their minds with the multiple perspectives and how it is now perhaps possible to experience them all simultaniously. Talk about a blast!
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The allegory of horses was made in light of the recent series of adversity. That one is to get back up on their horse. I alluded to the idea that I was never in fact kicked off the horse, but rather have set out on a new course. The concept that one has to keep moving regardless on the destination. I am still moving and working towards a self-propelling system. Perhaps as a Pillar that should be built towards and I am presenting to you an idea as a step in a series of many. There are bound to be hurdles you must train to overcome. Whether it was all worth it, is entirely dependant on your perception as well as the type of setting you choose to be part of. Would it be the same if done again in similar conditions? Would there really the sense of gratification in the expected sense? Is it simply a mirage of something that you desired but can’t be delivered? How would you react when you go through the motions and the results are nothing as you envisioned them? It all comes from being able to accept the reality that is dealt and having the willingness to play along. If the answer is no, then either change your character or your setting and the storyline will also change.
Having an attitude that is conductive to progress symbolize the fruitlessness in battling yourself through your setbacks as elements are beyond your control. It all lies on values, and I no longer have to face the idea of losing sleep where there is no such loss to be seen on the reciprocal. I simply was brought on to the team for another reason, and to fulfill the needs of the residents. I found meaning in providing the best quality in their care and that their happiness was a priority. I took away all excuses for them to complain, by giving them the utmost best while asking for feedback. I took pride in the stellar reviews, in light of having negative reviews from these residents in my absence. I knew I was making a difference, and I saw that I was making a positive impression on these residents and their families.
It was all that mattered, I did my job as described and noted that less than half of my team was compliant. It didn’t matter what they did, they did it for a long time, set in it,there are things to learn but ultimately only I had control over what I did. I was not in control over anyone else, and I’m not responsible for their satisfaction. The only role I did for them is to carry my weight, and seeing how my way can be seen as threatening to others due to personal approach. I never backed down from doing what I saw was right, and I saw that I was going to be let go and I was not going to fight that. That was simply how they chose to handle the situation, it doesn’t mean that they were right, it just means I am free from an otherwise psychologically unsafe workplace. I am a double edged sword fulfilling the duties of a butter knife. While I appreciate the perks that I was afforded and the opportunity with working in such a facility, I don’t really need them for my advancement. You don’t need to worry about me, and I am okay with that. It is all for the best anyways and I appreciate the perspective in knowing that I play no fault here. I can rest easy knowing From giving up a contract over principles, dropping class to losing an invaluable step in career advancement. To me the focus was different, I divorced personal emotives from my professional approach. The only course of conduct. It was never really viewed as a setback, and I have never fell off my horse. I have simply taken the opportunity and have set out on a new course. I still have my values intact, how many can articulate that fact? To others, it already has set out a new opportunity, from rebound claims to new-found confidence in knowing that they never lost the sense of self.
1/11 Salica’s Saturday
Salica’s 🗡 Saturday
🎭💯 Yeah, I am what long shots and your nightmares are made of. I got a chip on my shoulder and antisocial tendencies. Got a problem? Go play with yourself elsewhere! 😎🖕
Yeah I went there. Got a problem? Talk to my other cheek while I pop a squat! Dammit life is too short to give a damn about what anyone else thinks. It is so liberating to cut yourself loose from the emotional baggage. Emotions cloud judgement, and what good do these crippling expressions serve anyways? In fact, thinking in this species is a rarity and it is like some have forgotten how to do it entirely! I mean look at this laughable show, and it isn’t even listed as a comedy. Manahhhhh! It should be, I have a rock hard 6 pack from all the laughter and some say that is an achievement because females have a higher body fat percentage and don’t typically get the washboard abs. Also having a cold… Note to self: Stress kills the immune system, taking it easy is all a person can do right now.
They say I am like a half ‘n’ half creamer… I like cream pie but maybe that isn’t the point, or maybe it is! More picture the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. Well those two got fired out of a cannon because nothing got done with all their bickering that they didn’t realize they were out of a job until it was much too late and I sent both packing! Good riddance dance party! Also be fruitful and multiply so I got me the fruit from the tree of good ‘n’ evil and off to multiply with my algebra and make multiple sins! Mmm be fruitful and long divide my legs and lie tangent to my curves! A number of things could happen but in all probability you will end up with a math addiction. More than that kink of derivative, the summation of equation. It makes good product, so what’s the difference anyways? Listen to all the MADD and SADD people and don’t drink and derive! Reciprocate or decimate in the complex glory of my absolutes.
Also, along to adding on to what Jennavine said yesterday, she has more points than a box of pins! Mnahhh. She’s the shrink ray to operate on my problems and yeah, you can say its a crush or even an obsession. I used to care about these opinions, though that was fleeting mistake. Many admire her for her diplomacy as people hate me for being blunt. Sometimes the edge comes from being blunt. Like a backstabber, but you know when you have it coming. Perhaps that’s less danger than someone who is expressionless to later give you a heavy dose of your own medicine! Though it is rare to ever be on her bad side, some people think she’s expressionless. She processes everything differently, saw a lot, and can handle herself, if you are really dead set on it… You can ask her. She will tell you straight for how it is, though she will be nice about it.
We all know how sensitive some people can be. They are heart bleeds! Offended by everything and lose shape when the heat/pressure is on! It is such a difference, in fact that they would consider Amy (host) having a handful of personality disorders. I remember trolling the shrink so hard at 9 years old. I did it for a few reasons, and I psyched the phyche into thinking there’s rapport! Let’s just get this over with and have a little fun doing it! Then I’m just gunna answer these questions like they are some kind of joke, because to me that was all it was. I ended up getting ahold of the notes when I found where the parental units stashed the files. I sent them all for a ride at Amy’s horror as the results didn’t reflect her one bit! The thing that made me laugh into hysterics was how they took me! Maybe that was the goal, score waaaay lower than if taken seriously.
We all know having high intelligence isn’t what it is cracked up to be, along with hyperthynesia… I remember damn well near everything and Amy didn’t remember half the stuff she has done. Times of adversity were especially vivid and the times of pleasentries felt empty. Good thing, it saves her from the horrors of being violated. Since I couldn’t really care less at the time despite being 7y/o and some early memories of let’s put it the violation. Some may say it became distant, like it wasn’t really you. It was surreal but it couldn’t be ignored. It could be even be described as feeling sorry for that person. Like it wasn’t really happening but strewn throughout the forest lie lost articles and her innocence. Only remembering pieces of that night, and just how long the ordeal was. Was on the run and couldn’t even cover myself up. The warmth you get from running could only work for so long and I wasn’t sure if I would get back. Felt lost, and with it being so dark, any source of light meant safety. I didn’t care who found me, as it wouldve been better than what I was in. Sure they would be upset and blame themselves but I knew it could have been worse. It was all night and the whole neighborhood was looking for me. People expect you to know better but get increasingly cross when you ultimately choose worse. It angered me that half wits could get away without a hitch and so much I wanted to join them in the boat of no responsibility. Though I won’t waste my life in taking back what was taken away. It changed me, though not in a way you’d normally expect. I grew as cold as it was that night mid August all those years ago.
I was neutral to it, like this is just part of the human condition and ultimately, a way of asserting dominance. Supposedly, one could say everyone knew better but chose worse. I grew cold and largely emotionless, as in feeling grew dull and distant from the attributes that make us human. It was all a wash to me and it was seen as more of a distraction to the logical process.
The host never came programmed with a will to live and she’d settle for the celibate life. She just was never interested, went through feeling nothing et al. She was okay with it as she grew up religious and since the rape she saw it as dirty. To her horror, I was the polar opposite, a succubus, if you will and constantly excited, even since single digits. Though that never really took until much later and it just wasn’t her. She never knew let alone accept that she is part of a system until many years later.
Over time, there comes the realization that fighting yourself is futile. I am not going in on a losing battle, as this is ultimately self-defeating. It is like a three legged race and the finish is our goal. Take turns at each step and keep a constant pace. The Head Comittee also says isn’t great to be without affect as you don’t end up with a good effect! Alright sharpshooter, aim for the target and find a balance. I can feel it and am aware there is a sorta Karmic Newton Third Law. Gladly to say I am always working at being better. I have come a long way but I am still on my journey. With each step you come closer and with each step the past fades as the future starpens up and gains clarity. Consequently, no matter where you are, here you are in great company so have plenty of…
Tags: #Teamwork #Memories
1/10 Feedback Friday
The Interplay of Catoptric Tristesse & Exulanosis as a Barrier to Effective Therapy
“I can’t truly know what my therapist is really thinking of me. I know it sounds trivial to you, but for me, the idea consumes a considerable part of my mental real estate. I cannot explain it either but the anxiety of not really knowing the impression I made on them or even the picture that I have painted consumes me. I don’t hear many who share my perspective much less understand the logistics behind it. Then to clarify, it is the stoicism that bothers me, like they aren’t quite people and that is uncanny to me. I thought emotions are a healthy part of being human, so while I understand that it isn’t exactly healthy nor professional to get too emotionally involved, I still find it difficult to truly express myself. Therapists don’t care to share what they wrote down, and they use every excuse in the book and this makes them sound like an audiobook. I know it’s boring and potentially triggering but I would rather be bored and triggered of what you have to say rather than be without a clue and be restless as to draw conclusions on my progress. This attitude is very unilateral and makes me very leery of you and it compels me to discontinue therapy. The way I see it is that you failed to pass the first milestone of trust vs. distrust due to the lack of transparency on your end and that causes me to no longer see the value of return visits.”
Your self portrait often differs greatly from the way others may present your image. It may be factual or idealistic, or an incredibly abstract version warped to be reflected back similar to that of a house of mirrors.
Anyone else who has experienced this on either side of this perspective can certainly attest that it is an extremely unpleasent experience. To say you have the ability to identify with the problems it may present may even be difficult to verbalize aloud given the stipulations of such a response. Moreover, the feeling of understanding a variety of personal topics in a unique way and the lack of apparent sense that you or your concepts are understood. Seeking resolve to this question can be an arduous task and can be a distressing endeavor leading towards the culmination of nighthawk induced insomnia. There is simply no rest simply because perplexing thoughts of uncertainty regarding your perceived role. It can be agonizing to some where others do not seem to have any affect. Some may even describe their ideals as silly and therefore dismiss them or resort to denial. The position is often undermined as others simply do not see the significance of such a perspective or relate to it in the same way you would. Since it also an unpopular opinion to hold, it makes most isolating because others don’t share your perspective. Having others outright disagree with you or not appear to have an opinion at all might cause you question yourself or even feel invalidated for holding that position. You may even come across these lines:
“It’s their job to act detached, they are people just like you but they supposed to be a neutral third party because if they didn’t they would experience compassion fatigue and nothing would be accomplished.”
How many were told this but have difficulty with this response? It is healthy to have a reaction to a certain degree, even if the reaction is “I am not personally attached to that situation but I can understand how you have arrived to that conclusion.” Or another line that underscores the role that you are not emotionally invested as a separate third party but can validate a certain reaction or otherwise work towards a healthier response. It is a healthy reaction that is appreciated rather than one of self-rightiousness or lack of emotional investment if placed in a similar situation. It the very lack of reciprocity in their response may set an element of doubt, due to the lack of human-like response in our feedback system. We often expect a preordained reaction to the sentiment so when it is absent, it may force the speaker to question the validity of their own reaction. Invariably, the impression you wish to create may strike balance in such situations and foster a healthy reaction to each situation regardless of emotional investment. Indeed it can be done, albeit difficult as a variety of factors for each party must be considered as they each may have a different interpretation on what that may be. It can best be described as a “line of best fit,” or a range given a context and logistics to interpret whether a reaction is healthy. One can more objectively describe the metrics behind such reaction when they are not emotionally invested as different centers of the brain are used. A few moments can be spared, if appropriate, is to briefly and momentarily reflect back your own interpretation of the details expressed during the consult, to ensure that it is an accurate representation. It also allows the chance to share any additional details that might be missing. In addition, it may assist you towards the conclusion of the current session. It also fosters a trusting environment conductive towards personal development and an element of tough love when there is an element of mutual understanding of pertaining logistical facts. A few details may also erase that unpleasent feeling of not knowing what the other is thinking since they have shared those details and there is not much motivation here to be deceptive.
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After all, I express yet another word to you: Sonder. The idea that each person here on this world is an individual whose lives are greatly intricate. Each person is an author to their own life as well as have the ability to write on the pages in others. Each interaction each party has is a new perspective, and is often reflected in each party’s own timeline. Each reflection becomes distorted via the lens it is observed, reflected and articulated. With each individual the moment of sonder is greatly appreciated, including whether or not they really think of you and whether or not knowing their opinion would truly impact the greater image of their intricate livelihood. By proxy, the image that you provide is based on what can be observed during the time spent with you, which is only a pittance to another. To someone who is taught to be objective it can be difficult to truly detatch any personal biases and simply take it as it is presented and truly understand its meaning and draw based on what messages you knowingly and unknowingly interpret and contrast that to external sources. What is observed during your visits and the idea of you become more than simply that it is often associated with a grandiose sense of self. Others who feel they are forgotten will evoke the opposing reaction and feel insignificant. At either rate, it is up to them how they choose to present themselves and up to the beholder to form their own opinion at their will.
Apparent gnossienne can set in as you share the most intimate attributes of yourself and detailing your personal life. The outsiders’ ponder and possibly the prospect of having them know more about you than you know yourself. What details are they holding that I may potentially be myopic? Is there any truths to this interpretation and what is the reason for interpreting it that way. Whether or not you wish to become cognizant also hinges on a variety of factors such as how confident you are of the idea when challenged and how you view the alternatives. Do you identify with or hold these values close? What if I challenge that notion by presenting these data? Each person is holding a different picture based on the details provided. Your story is possibly tinted through the color of your own rose colored glasses as you deny certain truths while spectators are likely only observing through their lens. This brings around the idea uncertainty of even what the therapist’s inernest reaction.
Having this introspection is healthy, often encouraged as a healthy a healthy outlook affects your presentation despite being rarely verbalized in any meaning, much less how they would relate in a separate context. Or rather explained in a way to be understood and eventually accepted by clients rather than withholding pertaining details known to induce anxiety in clients, effectively blindsiding them. Particularly those who value transparency, are particularly vunerable in such a setting, feel they are unable to connect. The mind doesn’t help but wander in elipsism about the impression that you have made in your interactions. Most people you can ask about their impression on a variety of topics and they may respond accordingly and even may appreciate that interaction and then it is your choice to decide on whether you wish to consider it and whether there is motivation to be misleading. Normally, it wouldn’t be a problem but the notion is deeply rooted in the context it presents itself. Relationships change the dynamic of interactions and with that, thare are a select few that I have regard them on levels they only begin to articulate. I can project onto them that some things simply cannot be explained using spoken language. Rather that each experiences we each have is uniquely interpreted our own way and unless you can humble yourself towards understanding a perspective that is detached from your own and allow it to naturally present it can you begin to objectively view the picture at large.
Disclaimer: The purpose of this article is not to dissuade anyone from seeking professional assistance for their mental health. If you feel that you would benefit from professional insight, then do not hesitate to reach out. The focus is exploring the barriers one can face during the therapeutic process.
Tags: #critique #MentalHealth
1/6 Moody Monday
🎭➕ Moody Monday 💥🗡
Let’s cut to the Chase already. This article contains offensive language & subject matter that may not be suitable to all audiences. Reader discretion is advised.
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Was binging Dr. House again and several episodes make absolutely no sense let’s just say the episode “Dead and Buried“, I really took a liking to it, even down to the name. The way 14 year old girl named Iris looked was a lot like looking in a mirror of a past version of myself… Funny, as there is a parallel in the name to my former selves.
The Head Committee thought that the episode “Dead and Buried” had more depth than initially thought. Iris (14 y/o, F) presenting to the ER with a sudden onset of anaphalaxis that has stumped a few doctors due to its ideopathic origin. Allergies of this nature normally do not present as ideopathic. Cause of the condition presents a zebra masking itself as a horse. Rated an overall 3. The initial presentation seemed quite random, vague and sporadic and easily be regarded as a differential as controversial as that may sound.
There is so much mystery surrounding dissociation, particularly dissociative identity disorder. It could easily be interpreted in a variety of ways because it is so poorly understood. For example, people often dismiss it as merely teen angst or even borderline or schizoid affective personality, antisocial, avoidant, or try to explain it away with any of other personality disorders. Personal experience with a taboo topic also changes perspective but since it is so stigmatized, people just assume you are possessed. Poking a little fun at the pernicious stereotype that this condition makes an antagonist of you is highlighted when the plot thickens and more information about her boyfriend comes to light. Persecutors are a very common component and while not true in all systems, it is certainly plausible to have a case present this way especially if the persecutor(s) have a backstory to underscore their significance to the system (ex. Trauma & abuse). It was definitely a bold move to express the potential of an antagonist personality type, for a variety of reasons as DID is extremely underrepresented and misunderstood. It often lends to the draumatization and undermines the condition as legitimate. Iris’ boyfriend is technically an interject as the individual was based on the one boy that liked her in school. Though it doesn’t explain why or how the particular characteristics of the perpetrator to be significant to the plot or even why he has the characteristics he does beyond allegedly meeting him at school. He is fond of Iris, and Iris grew up in a healthy home environment and it would have been more realistic that he would have largely positive character traits instead. Unless there was a reason that these traits persist, it boils down to dramatization of the conditioner itself which can be damaging to the mental health community. Perhaps pain, though as the car accident she had at 2 initially caused the dissociation due to the trauma of the crash and feeling as though she was at fault for being a distraction. The mother reassures her that she was only a baby and it wasn’t her fault. The tunnel vision is indicitive of dissociation, and that can happen A LOT! Personally, when it happens the peripheral vision darkens and you feel like you are in reverse in your own head, and other times switches are near seamless and the other times I have syncope and pass out. The condition didn’t quite seem consistent, though later evaluation that her physical sympoms paradoxically expands and narrows the story. Pain and suffering especially in silence can explain the characteristics.
Actually, it mirrors me quite a bit, despite having a very difficult presentation. Always being depicted as moody but got worse with puberty. I was the boyfriend, if you will in this story. At some point in my history, I was considered a persecuter but not interjected from anywhere but perhaps Amy in herself and what her subconcious needed to handle the situation. Iris’ boyfriend was interject as well as a persecuter. Iris states she has met her boyfriend in school and that he was the only guy who liked her. Though the relationship she has with herself and her health concerns could also stand to reasons why it seems her boyfriend has two types of people inside him. Iris doesn’t seem to be from the upbringing to be interested in someone who drinks heavily, abusive, and into some hardcore erotica (rape, beastiality and torture).
Too Little, a 2 y/o girl who held the trauma of car crash is an excellent representation of a much more likely scenario. Too Little held the trauma of the accident so Iris wouldn’t have to. It is also easier to develop DID the younger you are. She also had the strawberry allergy and has intermittent anaphylaxis, which is also possible and even points out how certain alerts can respond differently. Too Little constantly relives the trauma of the accident a dozen years ago when she says she has been experiencing parathesia from being in shock from the accident. She was reliving the traumautic experience each time, which is a hallmark of PTSD.
I also found it rather interesting as they mentioned that she has had hormonal issues. The co-morbidity with choreocarcinoma was personally, but indeed cancer is running marathons in my lineage. The crafty ways one can draw parallel connections to your own story. Details don’t even have to be exact, only similar. It connected and related to the dreaded monthly hemmorhagic purge. I have also had many health problems early on which may have started something. Perhaps even House was tame as I was into that stuff that ficticious boyfriend was into since single digits, plus the paranormal. I felt like a wild card at the time to assume no responsibility so I didn’t and conscious is that thing that makes people behave in ways despite lacking a logical reason beyond altruism. I wanted blood and I didn’t care whose, and to shove that scalpel where the sun don’t shine! Cut it all out that’s what it is all about!
Well as a child and while I give this guy props for creating such a character, it threw a wrench due to the inconsistencies presented. The mood is so mood and if I had a shot for every time I was called moody or dramatic, I would win the game! I played a lot of those… The host was considered moody and she never even knew the wiser despite … and pressing the issue especially her impending court date made it worse. You got dismissed with borderline, antisocial and avoidant tendencies. Still, I wore a mask and was pretty good at keeping up my act, I wore Drama Queen like it was a badge of honor!
➕💥➕
Amy was sent to testing after I was caught Lion Kinging the kindergardener off monkey bars in grade 4. Basically the name came from the movie “The Lion King” where the scene that the stampede went through the canyon. The little girl fell in slow motion too, just as Mufasa, landed on her back and her head which was a photo finish…. That moment felt like a snap back into a sense of self or sobering and then she felt guilty… Meanwhile, you can say I slinked into the shadows anticipating to add yet another gold star. Way of asserting dominance. Mnahhh or perhaps its letting malevolence take over, or just cut the act because fighting yourself is a dull task. So while I still very much like to play games, I am aware there is a time and a place and that I have the responsibility to act appropriate to the situation. Whatever long shots are made of, I will give it a shot and make it!
Mid teens hit and the family is concerned… The family members caught on to my conversations on Messenger, after looking and they busted into hysterics and even suggested to go full on Bob Larson and threatened a bunch of other exorcisms … Likely Roman Catholic. Thought the beliefs were silly and guess what? Played it off as a joke/role play. Played into it so well and mimiked the correct emotives, they eventually backed off. I wished I was faking it back then, would have made it easier than denying everything.
It left a bad taste and over time, things change. You feel like a stranger to your family because of extreme trust issues caused by betrayal. I adore Dr. J and wanted to be more like her and well she helped me successfully change titles from persecuter to protector/healer. Mnahhh what? Surrounding Amy is a fortress! Inner world (Fate’s Palace) is a fucking palace for crying out loud with its very own erotic dungeon. Even played on the princess in distress game. I would play a version of dress-up that she would lapse and lose time forget it happened but whatever, she is done, “Forget the dress” Being a princess/queen means royalty and with that comes status! Don’t try to rain on my parade and paint my rainbow grey or I will brainstorm on ways to make you go away! Those the host dislike became me for a while, what can I say? True maverick! Or maybe not entirely anymore. It is easier to change a person when they are impressionable rather than baked and molded.
I will talk about how I met Jennavine made therapy feel less like the rest of you feel about rape and in fact she has been regarded as the reason Amy lives on rather than be the perfect plot in a self-inflicted basement crime scene.
Most of you can remember half the shit you end up doing and well being very neurotypical of you; it isn’t even half my story. Sometimes you get a stream of memories, and you’re not sure if they’re real or delusional. In times of uncertainty, it is always good to have connections outside your system. The process is quite grounding and can include witnesses or others you trust to attest to the supposed incident(s).
It can be quite the position in which you have multiple responses and attitudes to view the world through, it can almost send you into a sort of a daydream as you have a stream of memories as you weigh through. The eurekas occur but often is flashed out by mini-blackouts. Sometimes that happens from overcrouding of superimposed thought. It would be like I didn’t hear…. A moment later I swear it is *errrrh* but sometimes another voice which is inconsistent with their tone but it is occasionally heard and then I respond using that voice to support my reaction. The interesting debate rests whether or not DID is even real or not and how it can present itself in many different ways make it a zebra in the sense is often unbeknownst to the host that they are part of a system or if they were aware, then they are clearly faking or being dramatic. It would have been easier to fake having the condition than it it would be to fake not having any or having to kill the others off. Also, there is no trying to fix the dissociative disorder mnahhhhnuh so I also branched out several alters and fragments which have largely integrated back due to lack of nessessity for them to be separate… Fuck it literally. I like House on his opinion of sex as it is a natural biological function that humans should naturally experience. I would like to do it all the time and make it a proud addiction.
Was always told that our natural expressions differ widely, though to the parental units, they never knew! I have the crazy zest of life. Amy bright and Dr. J has deep hypnotizing ones that would send you in a trance.
➕🗡➕
Let’s be really simple the reactions I receive from other people. While I like several things like the kinky, the medical and the scientific the technical and the history. I have the tendency of feeling like a double edged sword fulfilling the duty of a butter knife. Sometimes being blunt is really just being sharp; it cuts and can be messy but you won’t make a fool of yourself. The surgeon’s scalpel makes the cut for quality medfet! I can be impulsive and even stubborn and sometimes without tact, it isn’t all bad. I have affinity and respect the host and am very protective, “Want to get at her then you gotta get through me!” I can see right through people, slicing their façade like a scalpel on flesh. People also like to make the point of being freaked out by me, they say I am neurotic and cold, and seemingly antisocial. I don’t trust many people, because of their capacity to burden and hurt mainly those seeking their own self-interests. Usually at the host’s expense, she can be too nice to people, and sometimes the Frozen Let It Go song starts playing. Nice juxtaposition, Amy and while I used to despise it and wanted it to go to Hell. Paradoxically, Hell froze over, and I began to find meaning in it. How people call me cold when I give them them the look that make people freeze as I give them the cold shoulder. playing always while I agree with that to some point, I also prefer erotic. Why, you may ask? I like to cheer for both teams, and initially nearly everything sends blood to my loins. Here is where the devil in me says I fetishize everything since and since people say I’m nuts…. Really perhaps you would find it odd that I like the nutcracker.
Still, the host became suicidal, which again is common not because of the condition, but because of co-morbidity of other conditiond and the ailienating feelings from unreceptive family members. Let’s just say Eminem was fucking right about needing a doctor to bring me back to life! Goes to show, sometimes the best healers can come from within.
Then thinking of when the condition(s) worsened to the point that the host fantasized her death. While I appreciate the idea of it and the sombre mood shrouding the motion, and would even admit to making hanky panky of the mere prospect of it. Things gone too far when she impulsively acted on her plans to take her life via gunshot to head (April 12, 2009). She was also experiencing menarche at the time and the conversation of the parental units divorcing and watching her beloved mother nearly get thrown down the stairs cut her so deep. It was no longer her that she said “Fuck it!” Oh and I remembered everything as if reliving parts of it and third person for others.. Unlike her,
Tags: #HOUSE, #Psychology
1/1/20 Clear Future
🎉✨Clear Future✨🎉
Out from the haze of the past, setting sights for clear horizons. 💯
It may not make sense to many but to start, I never had goals or ambitions – rather just exist until I don’t. I never chose life but somehow taking it only leads to more pain regardless if it is your own or onto another person. Rather, I had suicidal ideation. Plans were made as I fantasized the day that it all ends. Great solace is found in the understanding that life is not permanent. You could even say that I was the voice of destruction; the Thanos of my system. It is one of those “This may seem off to you, but I can explain…”
My headmates are self-aware of such and they are extremely protective of me. It may not be the case of all systems to function in harmony, as ours originally haven’t though through time there were key changes that were made. The construct is in itself is a highly sophisticated and adaptable defense mechanism. The misunderstanding here is that others may only consider the concept of alters as part of a fragmented and a broken identity is myopic in the least. At worst, is an extremely destructive ideology in the mental health community, as misconceptions and stigma compound to halt progression. Many say it can and should be ‘fixed’, such that all entities are to coalesce forcefully into a single identity. Firstly, many of these claims cannot be further be from the truth. How is it that we know better yet choose worse? Do we really know better or the concept of what is best subjective towards its beneficiary? Some may ask but you might be interested in my answer.
The realization that I, being an exception and not the rule has caused my perception to become refracted. The idea that In fact, there are multiple vantage points from our system. The separation of alters by anmesic walls serves a protective function. Imagine having the ability to detatch yourself from extreme situations and have a stunt double stand in. You are effectively shielding yourself from trauma by effectively using a back door, enacting a type of lock down and cast a stand in The thing is, having suicidalility is what likely catalyzed my own self-awareness of being part of a system. Each time I would fall into the depressive state, I would lose time… If it wasn’t for them… It really made me question on whether or not I would have been successful and completed in my own self-destruction. When I have first attempted, I met Dr. Jennavine who has saved my life more times in a 5 year span than what I can count on my fingers.
🗣A resolution one can make in 2020 is to set sights on a clear future.✨
A new perspective one can adopt from setting sights on future clarity shall draw from observing the changes in the behavior itself. When you can understand and appreciate the contrast of never having any of your own juxtaposed with having the zest of taking control over your life. Having intention behind your thoughts and actions will always add clarity to your future endeavors. The concept may question the current paradigm in the understanding of how conscientiousness can be related. Find the Desire and strength within yourself and outlook shall change. 2020 is here and through your intentions the future is clear. Once the drive is there it is time to go!
Tags: #New_Year, #Health
12/24 Twosday
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👥 Twosday 👥
🗣Allow me to preface by saying that the title was not typed in error. There may come forth a new way of enunciating the word “Tuesday”. A celebration for your partner, to celebrate a new way of thinking. Find someone who will be your partner, as it is best suited for someone whom you share close connections. Then, engage with the other by practicing mindfullness and utilize cognizance as a tool in your transformation.
How does it work ⁉
Now, I must place a disclaimer here and say that the purpose of the article is educative/explorative in nature. These exercises work chiefly towards strengthening your interpersonal connections with those you find the most significant in your life. Take a few breaths while considering your list of people. The list doesn’t have to be exhaustive for it to be effective, however there are several qualities to consider while composing your selection. Your list can include close friends, family, relatives, etc., but for a variety of reasons, selecting your life partner is often times the most appropriate given the nature of these activities. Often times, certain attributes might appear to occupy more of your mental real-estate than others, these are often significant for one reason or another and should be noted. Next, ask yourself if you personally feel if anything you have listed has since become distant regardless on whether or not you are willing to accept the drift. If you are unwilling to accept certain truths such as relationship fallout, consider the underlying cause(s). Does the relationship feel real and personal to you? If not, ask yourself about your options you have towards making it feel more personal and real. Lifestyle factors can affect relationships and in many instances can prove as indicators towards predicting the liklihood that it will continue to be stable long term. You should consider the type of relationship you have and experience unending trust towards your partner, and allow them to connect with you on a new level. Work towards letting go of the past and that of the future and commit to living in the moment and allow the interactions you experience to become memorable.
🗣Depersonalization & Derealization occur in relationships.
To safeguard yourself, practice mindfulness and be present in the moment. Allow your goals to extend beyond purely selfish intentions. Instead, focus on that of your partner and to the connection. You are both present in the moment and, devoted towards something transcendental.
You may even select yourself, for instance, when you desire to strengthen your personal relationship. Take my example as you will, as that is the intention for this case and, precisely the ultimate goal. Having a healthy intrapersonal relationship is considered to be the most important of all rationale. All components of relationships should be in harmony, as healthy relationships tend to coalesce. As such, I have decided that for all intents and purposes that I have decided that in this case, it is perhaps best to look inwards. In doing this, you assign both components to the system which further amplifies the desired effects within. Today, this article is written over the course of the day as to not interfere with today’s festivities. It has become rather enjoyable – to take part in preparation for Christmas – rather than simply allow it to pass by without interaction.
It appears that this system is truly in need of considerable care. Which is the chief reasoning behind the decision has presented this case as “withdrawn” as the host of the system no longer wishes to be a part of it. It is already showing signs of impacting overall quality of life. [See: our revised meaning – me, myself, and I] It is certainly a struggle in conducting life as a multiple, not because the construct itself presenting as problematic, but rather not having others be understanding and accepting of you regardless. Rather, too often others will detrat to using a label to identify and categorize you under their pre-concieved notions. Many suggest you are fragmented for simply developing a proverbial fork in the road of reaching developmental milestones. It isn’t a hinderance but rather a superposition though it is also seen as the former as there are deviations from what is understood and expected. Though occasionally it may be considering the possibility of varying opinions & intentions during decision-making, proving difficult to reach a consensus. Lest we forget the various accommodations that were often overlooked towards the ability to function at optimal capacity. It is often, (and misguidingly so), suggested the only suitable course of action is to be rid of the alternate states of consciousness by way of forced integration, it is damaging to say the least how this pigeonhole of an outlook can impact interpersonal relations. As indicated, it is likely to pose a threat to my name and to the integrity of the system. Such a fusion is poised to ultimately render the system instable, which is not in the system’s best interests. Instead, it is best to resolve all components towards functioning cohesively as a team.
Knowing this is concerning as it mirrors several warning factors. Seeing as it is hallmarked in many undesirable outcomes, which are best to be avoided. In a sense, you may even consider this a method of intervention for the system as current modes are not conductive towards optimal functionality. The most intimate relationships can come from the least expected of places. So, accepting the outreach also means to accept the catalyst towards what many would easily say is the most important relationship of all, the one from within.
Take care and make the most of your holiday season by having plenty of…
It is all a matter of perspective.
Tags: #Relationships, #Holidays
12/21 Salica’s Saturday
🗡💥Salica’s Saturday 💥🗡
🗡🎭That CUTS it!🎭🗡
Dr. Jennavine is being threatened?!
🎭➕ Like, she :exists: but you don’t like what you see but your image simply cannot exist as you present as it is infinitely more damaged. I am a whole person, cannot remove components away without affecting the system as a whole. 💯 I’m sorry you don’t like her but I’m not here to serve your happiness and if you are butt hurt about arrangement, then I’m sorry to hurt your delicate snowflake feelings but if you think I’m going to change because of you then you’re sorely mistaken. The heat is on and I’m burning! 🗡💥
What type do they take me as anyways? A façade? Good try, but this is just who I am and I’m cutting the charade. If that means cutting family ties, then so be it. If they cannot love you unconditionally, then they ain’t really there for you when there are rules that once broken, then the relationship is too.
I found a shortlist of people like me who totally accept me as is. These people are considered to be closer than those united by blood. They are open to what they see rather than have me fabricated into someone else! What does that mean? It means me, myself and I are here to stay because it may be hard for you, but there are people out there who love me for me and not for who I am not! Allow me to explain…
💔🖤Ruled by love.🖤💔
Unconditional love is one facade people hold up but in reality, what they really have is conditional love. Follow along and you will fit in. Pity those who fall out of line because if they find out you cannot do that simple task, then they will not have a place for you except trashed at the curb. then Like, the whole prospect of simply :existing: as a multiple can be problematic to someone who has it as it can be exhausting to keep face amongst those who happen to be in your life and don’t understand how it works or that it is as a matter of fact who I am. Simple rule, if blood is involved, it is often messy and something is always sacrificed.
How do you expect me to take that? I’m not a pushover so I’m not going at this lightly. There isn’t in that for me to take a laize faire approach to my disappearance. Nope, I am going down with a fight because I am not spineless like some. I’m a double edge sword, and believe me when I say I make the cut. There is no question about it.
➕🖤Doctor? Doctor!🖤➕
Dr. Mills not only knows about us, but he is open and accepting. He just needed to know we weren’t a danger to ourselves. Not active in that, though I do have a history. Bottom denominator, but it comes down to acknowledgment and acceptance. The struggle is in allowing myself the vulnerability in showing face and not being accepted as a whole for simply having separate conscious/personality states. He’s curious, and interested in my case.
As expected, you get asked about how things are going. Funny, but knowing full well that you will be asking the question, best to spice up the answer a bit. So, in asking the trio that question, expect a few different answers. Interestingly, they are all simultaniously experienced so all are correct. Some aren’t really that great… Ugh withdrawn, concern… Also feeling conflicted because injustice and being largely powerless. You frankly ever get so jaded by everything you no longer give a damn and ready to strike? Mna used the word homicidal… Though I’m not acting on anything though I’m experiencing bloodlust.
He asked a few questions about it, it was like visiting shrink town but I saw the concern in his angle… It doesn’t take an expert, but you gotta fork your tongue in this language. You don’t want to end up in the Loonie Bin, the place where Crazy Canuks go to party but super lame because you realized it was all in your head!
Someone was interested in my inner world, so glowing from rarity, I started painting pictures with my words. I let him in and I gave him a few pieces but he was still puzzled. I know I am different, but you’re reacting like I’m a unique case. Perhaps I am, so I will give him some answers and allow him to decide. He asked whether or not its emotional based or what… Nope, there’s a full spectrum of emotions, but the difference is that each are superimposing one another and they each can have different opinions and beliefs. He asked if I think I will bring harm to myself, which interestingly enough you can say that certain parts have ideation, the system looks out for one another and Jennavine wouldn’t allow me to be in such a position, so rest assured, we are safe. After he asked how I found out, well at first it was hidden from nearly everyone, including me. It took some soul-searching and a lot of questions and working through denial to accepting that this is who , but later in like grade 9 my guidance councilor finally tells me that she noted me blacking out, go under desks and going along as if a cat then later winding up back in my desk or elsewhere with zero recollection. I had gaps in childhood memory and sometimes I have questions that never were answered until I asked around and well of course my lovely Jennavine uncovers all the mystery and replace it with….
☕Cheers! ~4NeonFun
4neonfun 